Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Disobedient Tears

I have spent the last 35 days exhausting myself... I've kept the lump in my throat at bay, the screaming silent and the tears at bay.  It's been 35 days since Patrick and I decided to end our 4.5 year relationship.  I've cried exactly twice.  Once the night of our breakup and once in the stairwell of my office (because sitting in a cube farm with short panel walls is not conducive to any sort of freakout.  The problem now is that every moment of every day sees me WANTING to scream and cry and throw a tantrum.  That spot that I was shoving all my emotions is all full up and they're starting to leak!
 
I talk a good talk and can converse about my situation with friends and my counsellor without batting an eye... the problem is that I want to cry... I want to take to my bed in misery and cry until I pass out.  I want to take a break from life and ignore my emails and my job and my blog and everyone that wants a piece of me.  I want to scream at the top of my lungs that it's not fair that in every other situation in my life, I take care of other people and at the first time in my life that I need this emotional support, key players have disappeared off the planet.  I want to go to my dad's house at the lake and drink Bailey's infused coffee and talk to him...
 
The PROBLEM is that I can't do any of that... Screaming and crying in public is frowned upon.  Taking a break from life means taking a break from money and unfortunately, money is what I use to pay to feed myself and the cat.  I can't go to my dad's because of the cat... It costs $27/day to put him in the hotel and this living arrangement change is already going to be difficult for him, given his history (his previous owners packed up all their stuff and moved, leaving him behind.  The people that bought his old house tore it down... and then he came to me) and I don't think it's fair to stick him in the hotel right now.  He can't come with me because if he got lost in the bushes... well, you can just imagine what effect THAT would have on me!  And I can't ask those key players for support because I don't know what I want.  I know I don't want to be smothered.  I don't want to ask for help and then end up consoling THEM for how difficult this is to believe and how sad  they are that this is happening... 
 
So on I go... squelching down the overwhelming urge to have a fit.  Declaring to everyone that no no, I'm FINE... and worrying that 'fine' only lasts for so long and wondering what will happen when it's not 'fine' anymore.

3 comments:

Caroline said...

((Hugs))Hang in there....

Karen said...

{hug}

Tarable said...

Shit is hard. It sucks being an adult and having to be responsible. But maybe worst of all, to not be able to throw the crying screaming tantrums and let it all out and then have your mom take you for ice cream and make it all better.

Adulthood and all that comes with it is the shits.

Followers