I can't say that the subject of my post is inspired by Andie, because I'd made this life change a year ago, but writing about it and telling the story and expounding on the thought process IS inspired by her. BTW, if you don't know who I'm talking about, get over to www.canyoustayfordinner.com and see for yourself!
If you know me well in real life you're probably already aware that I have issues with food. Some of those issues include what my sister (www.fittyvsfatty.wordpress.com) and I like to refer to as 'Food Anxiety'. In my case, I have a tendancy to count food if it's being shared, eat more than I'm willing in fear I'll never get the item again, and what we also like to call 'sneak eating' and 'pre-eating'.
Sneak eating is something that we developed as kids... i'm sure everyone has done it... sneak a cookie out of the package... run out to Starbucks under the guise of a coffee and secretly get a pastry. My childhood has definitive moments in it where we were sort of forced to sneak eat (usually after dinner) or pre-eat (obviously before dinner). My Grandparents spent a lot of time with us and they were so terrifyed that we would get fat that they monitored EVERYTHING. I specifically remember now that I was thin and athletic and about 14 or 15 and riding my bike for MILES every day in the summer and no extra allowance was given for eating enough to feel full (without insane judgement). I feel as tho I was never allowed to develop my own healthy relationship with food because it was being monitored and controlled for me.
Food Anxiety is I guess for me, the sort of umbrella term for my poor relationship with food. I worry about being hungry, I worry about not getting 'my share'. I eat more than I want to in order to make sure that I'm not 'missing out'.
From that comes a somewhat robotic approach to food. So last year, when I made a somewhat surprising epiphany about french fries, I can say honestly I was really surprised! (worlds worst sentance!) I decided one day that I don't like French Fries. At. All. I realized that I was only eating them because typically that's what comes with sandwiches and burgers if you eat out. But I don't like them. They're bad for you and I don't find them yummy. So I vowed to never eat another french fry. And I haven't! I also now have added Yam Fries and hashbrowns into that category. Because I would rather eat yams. Or a baked potato. And when I really have a craving for French Fries, which is actually just a disguise, because what I'm really wanting is ketchup, then I make my own.
The French Fry ephiphany has alerted me to the fact that just because something is socially acceptable to eat (or do or behave like), you're responsible for your own participation. If you don't like it, or think it, you're not required to DO it... The world is a busy place and we're all moving at a faster more manic pace than ever before... Maybe one of the things we let go of in order to 'fit it all in' shouldn't be our own self awareness....
3 comments:
I had a food epiphany (I don't want to say a similar one) a few years ago too - after one too many meals of eating till I was so full it hurt*, I decided I didn't want to do that anymore. I'd rather eat only till I'm not hungry anymore (so make sure you take at least 20 min to eat so your mind can process that you've eaten!) and then stop, and then if I feel hungry again an hour later, so be it - I'll eat something else then. At least that way I know I'll enjoy the food I've eaten, and not regret it later because I'm so full it hurts! :)
*I think the epiphany can be linked to an Xmas day I spent at the in-laws house where we had coffee with several muffins in the morning while opening gifts, then brunch at 1pm with lots of eggs and hashbrowns and 2 kinds of sausages, as well as toast and even more baked goods. I remember going home after the brunch to change for dinner and just lying on the sofa, so full I couldn't move, and yet we were still expected to come back two hours later to eat appies and then a big turkey dinner with all the fixings! I don't think I ever wanted to eat again after that day - and it was definitely the last time I ever ate something at the in-laws rather than risk offending them by refusing to eat something! :)
PS: I can also say that I am guilty of drinking more wine than I want to at certain family dos just to stave off any gossipy suspicions about whether or not I might be pregnant! (although that might have just been me being paranoid!) ;)
I think that right there is the rub tho, in a house that is unhealthily (sp?) obsessed with food. If you ate only until you were full in our house, that hour later when you were hungry again was a huge place for judgement and guilt. It was better (in my mind) to eat until I wouldn't be hungry for a long time rather than know that I was going to be hungry in an hour and not really have a chance to eat again. In adulthood, it's hard to change your learned behavior, but talking about it with people also helps... For instance, if your friends and family know that it's okay to eat when you're hungry then you're less likely to feel judged or uncomfortable when you're eating again in an hour.
Your Christmas food fest sounds awful! It reminds me of two new years eve's ago... we went with Pat's family for a chinese lunch that ended up being at around 3pm and we ate A LOT... And we were expected to go to his aunt's house at 5pm for dinner, which you can't 'only eat a little' and then all night there were snacks and food treats and stuff and then at midnight you're required to eat another HUGE meal... By the time we got home I wanted to die!
I'm fully in the celebrate with food camp, but to a reasonable degree!
I guess you could show up to the dos drunk and that would prevent you from having to drink at the thing AND stave off suspicious about pregnancy... altho the gossipy suspicions about you being an alcoholic could end up a worse situation ;)
Well, yes, food anxiety. As an adult person it is quite embarassing but it seems to have a life of its own.
I remember sneak eating cookies in GG downstairs on Cmas Eve, right out of the deep freeze. I remember you, me and mom laughing and having a good ol' time while we were doing it and so part of me thinks that sometimes when a person needs some comfort or 'good times', they think back to that and try to recreate. Just like if you have ice cream in the sunshine after a perfect weekend day....around about November when you're hardcore craving ice cream, perhaps it's not the treat but the desire for sunshine and relaxation and a nice feeling?
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