Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Secrets.

I really hate them.  I mean REALLY HATE THEM!  I don't like to have them and I don't like others to keep them from me!  I don't want to have my own and I certainly don't want to know yours...I don't like having to watch what I say in case I accidentally tell.  I don't like how sometimes lies of ommission are necessary in order to keep the secret.  And I don't like to be alone in knowing.  Whether it's good or bad is neither here nor there... if it's good, then I want to tell everyone, and if it's bad, then I want to tell someone!
 
When I have happy secrets, it chews me up inside... I want to share my happiness with everyone I can see... whether I know them or not!  I feel I might implode from the sheer exuberance...
 
And when I have a not so happy secret... well, the only thing I can say that I like about secrets, and really, it's pretty convoluted to call it 'liking', is that when I finally tell someone, I feel like a weight has been lifted. I feel like a puppy after a bath... like there's nothing that can weigh me down... I feel like a bright light has been shone on every dark corner of my life.  One little secret can turn my insides to hamburger...Can make me feel that I'm fighting the world alone and that not a single person would understand.  And telling that one little secret... that can give me the freedom from my self imposed jail.
 
I told a secret I've been harbouring for some time and all of a sudden it doesn't seem so insurmountable.  It doesn't seem as scary and it doesn't feel like it will kill me.  Telling a secret doesn't make it go away... but it makes you part of a team again... instead of a one man (well, woman) show.
 
The thing about secrets tho, is that you keep them for a reason.  There's a reason that everyone doesn't know everything about you.  I intentionally keep secrets from some people in my life.  Not because they're not worthy of knowing, but because historically, the situation becomes all about them, and there's no room in my life for that anymore.  I refuse to let my experiences be robbed from me by someone else.  In fact, when I thought this blog address got out, I was very concerned.  I mentioned to a friend that it felt like I had been stripped of my clothes and shoved out the door.  I do give this address out to people that I know in real life... however I'm very specific about who those people are.  It's a well guarded 'secret' actually... not so much secret as priviledged information... because I'm not secretive about the fact that I have it, I just don't give the link out...
 
How do you feel about secrets?

2 comments:

Tarable said...

I like to think I'm a good secret keeper and when it's really important I guess I am. But it always feels very good to finally let someone else in on it.

I hope whatever your secrets are that they aren't weighing too heavy on you.

P'cess said...

Thanks! My secret is that I have moderate/severe depression... not something to go shouting from the rooftops, but at the same time, a killer when you keep it to yourself.

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