Monday, July 4, 2011

One day at a a time....

It's been seven days.
Seven days since I've woken up with my love and seven days since I've had to go to bed by myself and work out how to be with only my own company again.
I've cried.  I've sighed.  I've wished and hoped and regretted.  I've tried to predict the future, knowing full well I can't fathom a thought past this minute I'm sitting in.
I've sat in this minute... and the next and wondered what was going to happen next.  What must I do next?  What must I think next and feel next?  How do I reconcile my grief?  Can I cry?  Not only can I cry, but can I cry and then be able to stop!
The problem with me is that I'm a 'planner'.  I like to plan things.  I like to assign dates and times to things... to work toward them... to know what's going to happen next.  And all that serves at this point in my life (where in other points it's been very helpful), is to make me anxious about the fact that I can't predict the future.  And when you don't have control of the surrounding things, making plans is next to impossible.  It's like trying to make a grocery list at work when the recipe you want is at home... not exactly helpful!
So for the time being, on top of having to basically relearn life as a single person, to have to fight my urge to lay in bed and cry for the rest of my life, I also have to start learning how to live in the moment.  Because if I don't, I'm bound to drive myself crazy!
On a lighter note, even tho I haven't been at work for six days, I did get a lot of stuff done around the house!
On Tuesday afternoon, after Pat left, I felt the need to distract myself, so I made a duvet and pillow cases.  I didn't MEAN for it to look like a version of the Canadian Flag... I do love it tho!  It's nice and light, the duvet cover is the EXACT size of the duvet, so it doesn't skulk off to one side or the bottom in the middle of the night, which is great!  My sister was also kind enough to take the kitty blanket to her house and try and get it back to the way it looked when I first named it 'Fluffy Whitey'.  Let's just say that on the pure white part of the new duvet, it wasn't exactly pleasing to the eye!
On Friday (Canada Day!), my mom came over to my house to help me finish up the cabinet I've been talking about.  We did more than that tho!  We ended up spending about six hours cleaning the outside, which is referred to hereafter as 'The Bunker'.  I have a concrete outside area down to my basement suite that is a nice place to sit outside, have a few flowers and my bbq.  However, the not nice thing about it is that the landlords shake all their laundry into it before they hang it on the line, which makes it VERY dusty, it creates a sort of wind tunnel that sucks all the dried leaves and debris downstairs and to be honest, in the past while, I haven't felt like cleaning it.  but once we got the cabinet all spiffy, we tackled the rest of the bunker and it's now back to it's original glory!  The basil I showed you before isn't doing well and the dill is in a weird state of half deadness, but the rest of it looks nice, it's clean and I can sit outside again!



Anonymous said...


I know that you like to plan...and that your plans have all been shot to shit. And also know that I am aware that 7 days is a very short time so take what I'm about to say in the spirit in which it is meant.

Start deciding what you want out of yourself. Not out of other people, out of yourself. Start dreaming forward a little and pay attention to what you're picturing. Who are you in 6 weeks or 6 months?

This must be insanely difficult and painful to contemplate and to live.....but if I can be honest, you have not been happy for awhile and now you have given yourself a gift of the ability to recreate yourself. You get to make new boundaries and reassess the aspects of your life to make sure that they work for you.

You're relearning how to be single again....but you're doing it as a completely different person. You're not the same person you were when you and Pat got together and if you try to force yourself back into the mold of who you were then as a single person, you're going to frustrate the shit out of yourself.

Start small, make little changes, set some goals so that you can plan and have things to work towards. And then tell your friends/family/ME about it so that we can go there with you!

~ Sister!

Tarable said...

To do a spin off from what your sister said - now is your time to start fresh and recreat yourself.

You can be free from anything that was not serving you well or not making you happy. You are the only person you have to answer to and you are able to be whomever you want to be. It might seem impossible to look forward to the person you will become but it's in there, and it will emerge if you let it.

Also, be gentle with yourself. This is a major life change and it's going to take some time and soul searching to get used to.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.