Friday, July 15, 2011

What's up...

I'm so conflicted at the moment that I can't even think about writing down what I'm feeling.
I was under the miguided impression that as soon as Pat moved out, I'd be 'back to my old self'.  I'd be running every day and eating very healthy and feeling like a new woman.  Ya, that was rubbish!  I'm sad.  I'm lonely and I'm depressed.  I don't mind getting up in the morning by myself (besides the fact that I have to PRY myself out of bed (thanks mild depression!  Very helpful!) and I don't mind coming home to my house alone... I don't mind going to bed by myself... I was almost always first in bed and first up in the morning when Pat lived here.  It's the evening that I don't much care for.  I haven't knit, I don't read... I just sit on the sofa and stare and talk to the kitty. (not like crazy cat lady talking!).
I am not used to having so much silence.  On the one hand it's nice but on the other hand it reminds me that I haven't yet really mourned the end of my relationship.
For the six weeks that we lived together after we broke up, we both pretended (rather successfully actually) that everything was 'fine'.  The day he moved out, I busied myself with making my new duvet and making dinner (from scratch!) for my friends and sister who came over to keep me company.  I took the rest of that week off work and sewed, cleaned and organized both by myself and with a variety of people helping me! (THANK YOU!).  I worked four days last week and every night after work did some sort of project or another.  On the weekend I had the big Karma party and was suitably distracted from any thoughts or feelings by the shear amount of work and people around.  On Sunday I went and hung out on the sofa at my friend Sam's house and by Monday had nothing left to do to distract myself. 
Now the silent sound in my house reminds me with each passing minute that I have not reconciled this at all.  I've spent two months distracting myself, pretending to be fine and otherwise faking it.
I'm living in fear of actually sitting down and thinking about what's happened in my life.  I have big plans for the 'new' me... jogging, good eating (altho to be fair to me, I am eating well and healthy!), new positive things to replace negative things that have come before.  But I can't seem to get there to them because there's a huge wall of grief that I have to get around first and I'm avoiding it like the plague.  It's like when you don't want to rip a bandaid off because it will hurt, so you figure the longer it stays on and the more showers you take, the glue will weaken and it will just slide off.  That never works!
So for the time being I'm stuck.  I'm afraid to cry because it's going to hurt.  I'm afraid to even talk about my feelings surrounding it (aside from superficial stuff) because it will make me cry and as mentioned, that's going to hurt!
And I feel that everyone was so encouraging to me that it will be 'different' when he's gone and that it was 'for the best' that I should be expected to be well over it (it's been two months!  but really, it's been two weeks) and have moved on.
And I haven't moved on.  I've cleaned and organized and made plans that are no where near being near fruition.  And when I go home I lay on the sofa or in my bed and stare into space completely numb until I fall asleep.
I haven't finished my bestee's birthday present (which is terrible since I started it so early... not knowing that this 'minor detour' would have come along), I have a million things I want to start, finish and work on and no ambition to do any of it.
The most ambition I've had in the last few days has been to discern where the lovely mint/lavender smell in the living room was coming from.  As it turns out, my whole bottle of Element Botanicals essential oil smashed in the bottom of my notions bowl.  At least it smelled good!


Anonymous said...

You had things to do last week in the evening for distraction and now that you don't, perhaps you need to create things for yourself to do. No one says you have to burst into tears and cry and be in pain and go into mouring for your relationship. Maybe you are getting over it more subtly and more slowly? Eventually the bandaid glue does lose its stickiness...and before you know it, it's fallen off and you hope it didn't get left anywhere gross.

If you do decide to have a good cry and talk to someone about your feelings surrounding the breakup, then do it. The anticipation of things we're not going to like is often much worse than the actual thing. Sure, it hurts, crying hurts, breaking up hurts. It won't kill you though, you won't be stuck there forever, the tears won't flood the place, eventually you will stop crying and you'll more than likely feel better and have new perspective on the situations. Non-crying has actually been proven as being toxic to the body.

Furthermore, maybe you should stop trying to be 'the new me' and just be 'the me'. You're a nice person with interests and ideas and opinions, you don't need to become someone different, just be true to you. And forgive my honesty, but the True To You Princess Darcy doesn't give in or give up. Stop calling yourself fragile, accept that you're down and sad for awhile but keep living life anyway, as best as you can do it. Strength breeds strength.

Things happen to people, this 'thing' in particular is extra upsetting and that is completely understandable. But you have to decide when you won't let it define you anymore. 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years. Whatever you choose, when that day/time comes, you push through the discomfort and get going and design your life.

We are an exhausted, stressed out culture...that's never going to change. I'm not saying it's easy or trying to blow you off or be blase....just trying to give you a different perspective.

Love, Sister

P'cess said...

The thing is that I'm not... I want to cry all the friggen time. You are right tho. Perhaps if I just let it go and do it, then that will be all the release I need. I also hope the bandaid doesn't get left anywhere gross (and that made me LOL!)

It's not that I think I"m fragile... when i made that comment I was thinking about feeling like crying all the time and thinking that it was probably not wise to enter a situation with that group of people being in that headspace. I'm not fragile or weak. I hardly ever give up on stuff. Sometimes I put 'stuff' down for a while but I never actually give up on it.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... I know not to go any where near my bed prior to 830pm, because 'napping' is not in my favor at the moment. I know that I'm going to walk 4km from my work to my car every day for a month. I know that I've been eating well the last two weeks and that in the not so distant past, we used to eat out three or four times a week and I haven't eaten out once since Pat moved out.

I also know that the new situation is far far FAR better for my mental health than the old situation. I don't dread coming home anymore, I'm not cranky when I wake up, I don't have anxiety attacks anymore about things I can't control (like cleaning, eating, etc...). This minor (relatively speaking) blip in my mental health is nothing compared to what the last few years have been.

I don't want it to define me, I just get home at night and I'm exhausted. I've been living for at least three years not being able to say what I think or feel, ask for what I need and want. Then the six weeks of pretending to be 'fine', followed by the last two weeks of suddenly realizing that everything has changed has made me very tired!

You are right also about anticipation being worse than the actual thing. I said to Dr Ed the other day "I"m sitting here, like I used to sit here waiting for my appoitnment, but now I'm single. I actually finally broke up with Pat and I didnt' die. Nothing bad happened.". The whole few years before we broke up were wrought with anxiety about how much it would hurt and be so painful, and while it does hurt, it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Tarable said...

Do what you're doing. Until you get sick of it. And you will get sick of it. Then make changes.