Monday, June 11, 2012

Who are you?

I think I like who I am now... who I've become.
I used to be what I can only assume was obnoxious.  I was REALLY loud and the life of the party... I wanted everyone to like me and I saw no reason why they shouldn't.
I never had an opinion on anything.  Did I like this food or that food?  I always liked everything... I never knew that it was okay to decide one day that you weren't so fond of X.
I was also scared a lot... scared that I was going to do something or say something and embarass myself.  Scared that someone important to me wouldn't like me anymore.
Scared of the dark.  Of Spiders.  Of dryer lint and potatoes and balloons. Of heights and bridges. It's a wonder I ever went outside!
The me now is much more powerful than the younger me.  I don't want to say that my childhood wasn't supportive, because it was, but I feel like the me that I became was powered entirely from within.  One day I decided that I didn't like something.  And that was okay.  I realized that if someone doesn't like me, that's not the end of the world.  I discovered that a fight isn't the end of a solid relationship.  I discovered that it's okay to express my opinion... and that it's okay to not express my opinion.  I realized that if someone wants to talk about something and I don't want to participate, I dont' have to.  For many years, choosing not to engage in a conversation was not accepted.  Usually these conversations were about how flawed we (me and my sister) were, or how we weren't conducting our lives the way some members of our family thought we should.  And choosing not to discuss personal details of our lives got scathing insults and the whole thing usually ended in tears.
Now... NOW!  Just try and make me talk about something I don't want to.  I feel that as I grew into myself, I found a voice.  One who's primary responsibility is to stand up for and protect me.  As a person that will share 99.9% of everything about me with you, this voice is the one that holds on to that tiny percentage... and no amount of shaming, or cajoling or insulting will get me to give that away.
I enjoy who I am now...


Shannon said...

I think that regardless of the conversations that were had at us about our decisions and actions, you grew into a strong person who knows who you are.

I think sometimes those conversations were had out of the fear that presents itself when people go against the grain of "supposed to" in a family that always has done what is "right".