Her

So I'm not that good at thinking up things to blog about lately... Like my sister says, I'm not wearing my bloggles...

So I'm going to steal from her, because I had this kind of epiphany last night...Her blog from this morning starts with a memory of something she enjoyed and got back to doing...

My epiphany, while having no action behind it, leads me to believe that there is an awakening happening in my mind... pieces of the very distant past being freed... surfacing in the present and reminding me who I once was... (this is the very distant HAPPY past, not the more recent miserable past).

I got home from work last night and the only thing on my mind was a shower.  It's weird because I don't usually shower at night and certainly not as the most important first thing I do when I get home.

So I popped my shower cap (can you buy nice ones, or do I have to continue to steal from hotels??) on my head (I just hate wet hair!) and hopped in... As I let my mind drift, it drifted back to the many many showers I used to take when I was running and going to boot.  Depending on the day, sometimes three, most of the time, two.

Thinking nothing of it, I got out and bury'd my face in my towel... and the most familiar soapy, lotiony smell  of showers gone by filled my lungs... I don't use scented products and this morning when I went to use my same towel, I couldn't find the smell... but in that moment, as I dried my face and took off my stupid cheap shower cap, I looked at myself in the mirror and in there... behind my eyes, I saw her... The her that doesn't hate herself...the her that has never left me... The her that knows she's strong enough to make it back... The her that is still mired in conflict and hiding deep inside came a little closer to the surface and peaked out... just for a minute.

I'm holding on to her... I'm still going to let her come out in her own time... I'm afraid to scare her off... but I got to see her last night... a glimpse... and she's just as healthy and happy and strong as she was when I left her... And she didn't even seem sad or disappointed that she got left behind... for I only left her to protect her... to hide her from the pain and anguish that she didn't deserve to have to endure.  I put her away so that at least a part of me would survive unscathed.  Maybe she could have helped me... but I'm glad that none of the last five years touched her...