So, now that my mind seems to be behaving in a somewhat consistent pattern (I didn't even nap this weekend!), it's time to work the idea of excersise in to my life!
Do I want to go to the gym? No...
Do I want to run 10KM races? Not now
Do I want to obsess about calories vs excersise? No!
I used to do all of that... I used to read the labels of packages and be excited when I found some new yummy snack that was a 'perfect zone snack'. I used to really care about that stuff. And in the last few years, I stopped caring about everything... it was survival you see.
When I was in my coma of survival mode, I thought many times about my health and fitness. I was just sure that it would come a time when I went back to my old ways. When my excitement came from discussing calories and excersise technique and reading fitness magazines. When that was what drove me out of bed every morning and drove me into bed in anticipation of the next day every night.
What surprised me is that not only has that not come back, but I've been vehemently opposed to it. Being a self reflective type of person, I figured I'd better go inside myself and find out why this was not my new and burning desire... why the thought of doing what I knew I once loved was so bitter tasting to me.
Well, I think I've got it.
The overarching theme of my feelings, thinking back over the last few (and the last two and a half in particular) years was instability. A lack of calm. A lack of real and true love... Of being alone in a sinking ship and not knowing how to save it or myself. A real and total loss of control.
If you know me at all, you know I like to be in control. I like to make plans, I like to know what's going on and I don't particularly care for surprises.
When I gave up my control in the past couple years, I figured the most important thing to me would be getting it back. And in part I have. I now have a clean house, I cook what I want, I do what I want and I certainly don't do a single thing that I don't want to do...
When I think about that in relation to fitness and health, you'd think for sure that what I want the most is the control of counting calories, being my own boss and really monitoring and controling what I am eating and what fitness I'm doing.
Turns out that THE MOST important thing to me, out of all the things I lost was a sense of calm. Of peacefulness. Because worse than having no control was having no peace. No sense of calm comfort.
I have that now... intermitently at times, but I have my calm. My mind is at peace, which I have not been able to say for some time.
When I think about fitness, the thing I want most is to maintain that sense of calm. Maybe that won't be important to me in two months, but right now, it's THE most important thing.
So I made some plans with that in mind.
Sam and I are going to start walking around the Stanley Park Seawall (8.9KM) on the weekends in the morning. Sundays to start but Saturdays probably when he's not in school.
Sharon and I are going to take the dogs for woods walks on the weekend (alternating days to the wall)
I think back to the basics is the key here... and keeping my calm and peaceful state of mind.
3 comments:
Obsessing about food and calories and exercise isn't always a good thing. We think we're doing it to be healthy, but really its a way of trying to take control of something, anything, in our lives - especially when everything around us feels like its slipping out of our control. You can't always control what happens with your job, your family, or your responsibilities, but no one can force you to eat something that you don't want to eat.
Maybe your lack of desire to obsesses over food and exercise is simply a reflection of the fact that you're happy with who and where you are right now, at this very moment. You don't need to focus on how good you will be, because you know you're perfect now. If everything feels balanced and calm, as you put it, then there's no need to obsess over the little things - you can just let them be, and trust that they'll all work out as and when they're supposed to.
Don't question the calm. Enjoy it. :)
I had a nice comment all written up last night and then in a fit of instability, my iPad ate it. Ultimately what I said was:
Wanting calm and wanting fitness do not have to be mutually exclusive. I think you're going about it the right way to start off with. But as you know, hard work and dedication to fitness create endorphins and chemicals in your body that naturally help to balance you and calm you.
I also don't necessarily think that counting calories and planning fitness etc is the mark of someone who is not happy with where they are, it is the mark of someone who desires continuous improvement and wants to put a plan in place in order to get there. I agree that it can sometimes become obsessive (as I am proof of in my own life) and that obsessiveness needs to be reined in in order to ensure that your mind is as healthy as you are trying to make your body.
You're not being untrue to your needs and desires by wanting to get fit and slim down. You're completely right in finding a way that works for you where you are today. Just be open to reassessing as needed....because my suspicion is that once you get that bug again of exerting yourself (especially outside), you will be unstoppable! (Obsessive calorie counting/schedule making not required)
I appreciate your comment Shanny and I do know that ex gives good endorphins that calm and balance you. I think maybe I used the wrong word. For the last three years, I stressed myself to the max worrying about everything. I was a tight, miserable pile of poo and my mind didn't stop for one second of rest. What can I say to explain to him how the mess affects me. What voice will I use to ask him not to eat my packed work lunch at 3am. What is going to set the lunatic off next? How do I live here while trying to make no visible impact on my environment.
So because of that I'm not willing to push myself outside of my comfort zone. I'm not willing to spend a minute feeling guilty about whether I walked that day or went over on my calories. My mental health is getting better by the day but I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not okay with putting pressure on me at this time.
I agree that as soon as I feel the trigger I will be unstoppable. But I'm okay waiting for that to present itself and just doing things that make me feel good now. A walk with Sam is good for me, not pressure filled and makes me mentally feel good.
Glenda, thank you for your comment! I think I have a ways to go in getting out from under the past... because your comment at the end 'don't question the calm. enjoy it' really surprised me. My mind still wants to question things like this because I'm so used to thinking the other shoe is going to drop, or that I've done something wrong to even HAVE a sense of calm...
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