Repeat after me:

Yesterday I felt calm...

Today I feel free...

I'm not going to say there aren't going to be difficult times and there aren't going to be any more memory bombs that come at me out of nowhere, but today is the first day that I can look at the last nine months and see that I've walked through and closed the door on that chapter. 

I know on the other side of that door is turmoil and pain and that will have played a part in creating a new and different me... a little less trusting, a litte more cautious... 

But I feel like I'm finally not a prisoner in my own mind anymore!

 

I feel like I can make decisions, instead of drifting through a horizontal space... That I can have ups and downs and still survive.  That I am in control of myself.

 

I made and brought my lunch for five days this week.  That may not seem like a big deal, but for someone that couldn't find the will to do anything other than lay on the couch and stare, that's a pretty big deal.  Not only did I make and bring my lunch... it was plain chicken breast and shed loads of fresh, raw vegetables.  Broccoli, carrots (yes, I even ate carrots!), pea pods, tomatoes and cauliflower.  I barely ate any arrowroots, drank only lemon water or plain water and didn't snack in the evenings.  That's a big deal!  If you've ever been depressed, you KNOW that's a big deal!

 

I made my friend a treat like I said I would do and I have plans for crock pot cooking that isn't just a pipe dream.  I've made goals and started to stick to them, I've made plans and I know they're acheivable.  It feels like I have my heart-brain back... you know, the combination of the two that propell you forward... engage you in your own life.  That was missing.  I'm not saying that every day will be sunshine and rainbows, but I can only see a steady increase... My friend said back in May that my life would be on the upswing... Little did we all know what a long and dark slide I would have to endure before the climbing could begin... but climbing it is... only climbing from now on...

I woke up the other night with the following words blaring on repeat in my mind... 

 

I think the true and genuine me has finally gotten enough courage and strength to be more powerful than the me that was abused.

 

"Repeat after me: I did what I had to do to survive the situation at the time.  There is no shame in that"