So, now that my mind seems to be behaving in a somewhat consistent pattern (I didn't even nap this weekend!), it's time to work the idea of excersise in to my life!
Do I want to go to the gym? No...
Do I want to run 10KM races? Not now
Do I want to obsess about calories vs excersise? No!
I used to do all of that... I used to read the labels of packages and be excited when I found some new yummy snack that was a 'perfect zone snack'. I used to really care about that stuff. And in the last few years, I stopped caring about everything... it was survival you see.
When I was in my coma of survival mode, I thought many times about my health and fitness. I was just sure that it would come a time when I went back to my old ways. When my excitement came from discussing calories and excersise technique and reading fitness magazines. When that was what drove me out of bed every morning and drove me into bed in anticipation of the next day every night.
What surprised me is that not only has that not come back, but I've been vehemently opposed to it. Being a self reflective type of person, I figured I'd better go inside myself and find out why this was not my new and burning desire... why the thought of doing what I knew I once loved was so bitter tasting to me.
Well, I think I've got it.
The overarching theme of my feelings, thinking back over the last few (and the last two and a half in particular) years was instability. A lack of calm. A lack of real and true love... Of being alone in a sinking ship and not knowing how to save it or myself. A real and total loss of control.
If you know me at all, you know I like to be in control. I like to make plans, I like to know what's going on and I don't particularly care for surprises.
When I gave up my control in the past couple years, I figured the most important thing to me would be getting it back. And in part I have. I now have a clean house, I cook what I want, I do what I want and I certainly don't do a single thing that I don't want to do...
When I think about that in relation to fitness and health, you'd think for sure that what I want the most is the control of counting calories, being my own boss and really monitoring and controling what I am eating and what fitness I'm doing.
Turns out that THE MOST important thing to me, out of all the things I lost was a sense of calm. Of peacefulness. Because worse than having no control was having no peace. No sense of calm comfort.
I have that now... intermitently at times, but I have my calm. My mind is at peace, which I have not been able to say for some time.
When I think about fitness, the thing I want most is to maintain that sense of calm. Maybe that won't be important to me in two months, but right now, it's THE most important thing.
So I made some plans with that in mind.
Sam and I are going to start walking around the Stanley Park Seawall (8.9KM) on the weekends in the morning. Sundays to start but Saturdays probably when he's not in school.
Sharon and I are going to take the dogs for woods walks on the weekend (alternating days to the wall)
I think back to the basics is the key here... and keeping my calm and peaceful state of mind.