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One Little Life Story

Bad Girl

Okay, it’s confession time… I ate ice cream yesterday.

I know, I know… not exactly W30 and my 2nd W30 starts again today… I had 8 days in and now I have zero days in.

If I look at it practically, it’s not really the end of the world. Everyone makes a misstep and the more important thing that the failure is how you recover from it. Whether you fall completely, laying in the dirt and flailing about, or whether you just get up, take it as a lesson and move on.
I flailed about in the dirt yesterday. I ate about four spoonfuls of the ice cream and then decided I didn’t want anymore and put it away. And then I flailed around calling myself all sorts of names and berating what a weak and useless idiot I am. Of course being a weak and useless idiot requires punishment, so to punish myself, I ate the entire rest of the pint.
The worst part was that I knew exactly what it would do to me physically… It would cause me to crave more sugar, it would set me back in my quest for another 30 days of clean living and then, it would make me tired, lethargic and chemically stoned. I slept through four alarms this morning… My stomach was hard and distended and uncomfortable and I was starving. These are all things that I have grown to not miss about poor eating habits and while I was punishing myself for my misstep, I knew these were the consequences and I did it anyway.

The guilt and self-loathing that I felt this morning was equivalent to having committed some sort of catastrophic crime and I’m afraid someone is going to find out that I’m a fraud…

I knew it, they’ll say! I knew you couldn’t do this long term! I knew that you were just putting on a show! Your ‘fringe’ (to steal my sisters word) way of eating is a sham and I knew you went home every night and ate candy and cookies and ICE CREAM!
It’s not true… it’s not true, I’d have to say back… This was just a mistake… Everyone can’t be 100% all the time… it’s not possible… I did 40 days clean! I had half a glass of wine on my vacation and then started again the next day! ON MY VACATION! Everyone deserves a break when they make a mistake, I would say…
So how come when it’s me saying those loathsome things to myself, I don’t defend myself in the same way… instead of defending myself, I agree… yes, you are weak. Yes, you are a fraud! What made you think you would be strong enough to go against society and its prescribed eating habits? Why would you do this to yourself otherwise?
Well, I know the answer… we all know the answer if we look deep inside ourselves…

My answer is that I’m terrified. I’m very happy to eat healthy and I love the results… my skin is amazing, I sleep well, my mood is stable and positive and I’m in a club of people that appreciate that kind of effort. And the physical side effects of treating my body nicely are that I’m losing weight and things are re-adjusting in my body… I’m close to having to go down another pant size and now I’m sabotaging myself because I’m terrified. The things I’m terrified of are too difficult to write here, so I won’t… I think it’s enough that I’ve opened my wounds this much today… I just know that the things I’m terrified of are real, but in order to move forward in life, I’m going to have to find a way to live in peace with them…

So today I will start new and I will get up out of the dirt and stop flailing about. I will take this as a lesson instead of a crime… I will try and quiet the voice that is calling me a bad girl in the back of my head and start reminding myself that I have abnormally beautiful skin, strong legs, a great laugh and that terrified or not, I refuse to wallow in the not so praise worthy parts of myself… and sabotaging to prevent the fear doesn’t work… I know that because less than 18 hours after the sabotage, I’m no less terrified so I’ll just have to figure out something else!

Bring on the Haters!

You’re late!

I went to the gym this morning… It took me six minutes of laying in bed and debating with myself but I eventually got up and went. I dilly dallied getting my clothes on and forgot to put my gym bag together last night so I only left the house at 4:55. I sped over the bridge and careened into the parking lot at 5:03 only to find that every other 5am gymgoer was standing outside. I got out of my car thinking that maybe they were waiting for some sort of special event bus to come and pick them up and that I would just slip past them into the building. Ya, no. The girl that opens the gym ended up coming at 5:28… 28 min late! It was damn cold outside and waiting outside for 30 min to do half a workout was a bit of a slap in the face.

Now, do I wish I’d stayed in bed? No. That’s a good sign, since normally I would say yes, had I known that this would happen, I would have just slept in.

What I realized as I was doing my 28 min on the elliptical was that this has stopped being ‘kill you hard’. I ramped up the resistance and crossramp on the thing for the 2nd half of my workout so that I wasn’t just coasting along, but I wasn’t counting down every second as wanting to vomit or die… that’s a good sign… right? I recovered quicker and felt better than any other day I’ve been to the gym in the last two weeks so I was very happy. Altho I would have been happier if I could have gone and treadmilled for a few min.

Community

The one good thing about getting locked out of the gym at 5am is that because I chose to get out of bed this morning, chose to wait to get into the gym and then chose to work out as hard as I could for that measly 28 min, I felt part of a club. I chatted with the guys (cause I was the only girl there) and we commiserated about getting out of bed at that time, why we had to leave at a certain time (some of us have the science of am workouts down to the minute) and why this was ‘so stupid’. I missed being a part of a community like that. It’s a special group of people (my sister included.. of course it’s special!) who get up when everyone else is still snuggling and go put some sweat on the machines. I always liked being part of that group of people… and now I’m part of it again… It gives me a little bump up in drive and determination!

You’re no fun!

So it seems that my muscle memory for working out is coming back and with it, it’s bringing memories of other things. Like people being assholes about my personal changes. Now, I realize and learned this lesson many years ago that when YOU make changes, it’s your responsibility to help other people adapt. That seems weird to say right? Why do you have to manage other people’s reactions? Because it’s in your own best interest. When you make any sort of massive change, it rocks the boat of your world and those waves affect people around you. Normally I would say that everyone can deal with their own reactions to things outside their control but I know from experience that unless you want to just wash your life of all your friends and family that are feeling uncomfortable with the changes you’re making, you need to do a little management.

Of course by managing other people’s interaction with you, that doesn’t mean stop doing something for yourself because it makes others feel uncomfortable. But it does mean that you can help them adapt by adapting your own behavior to make the change less difficult for loved ones to deal with.

For instance, let’s pretend you’re getting married and your single friends are having a hard time dealing with it. You can help yourself by managing how the change is being presented. You can book girls nights, make sure that wedding talk doesn’t monopolize every single conversation and invite them to participate in a way that is both helpful to you and fulfilling for them etc… You’re not going to NOT get married because your single friends are upset but you can manage the change to make life easier for everyone, including yourself.

You're getting married??

Now, I’m not getting married, but the changes I’m making in my own life are starting to affect the people in my circle. I’m getting a lot of negativity and pushback from people I would have expected to be some of the biggest cheerleaders. And I’ve been declared un-fun for declining to go for cake and cookies and bottles of wine and beer. I’m still a lot of fun if you ask me but the ‘club’ I used to belong to (as opposed to the sports club I now belong to) is being shaken up. The security and security blanket of my participation being removed is rocking the boat big time!

People have other people in their lives for various reasons. Oftentimes it works for both parties. When one party changes the pieces around, the other party has now had a component of their life changed and sometimes removed. Often people do get over it in time and the change takes hold and the relationship evolves to continue to reward both parties.....but in reality, if you have friends who saw you only as a junk food eating, wine drinking, lazing about participant who potentially made them feel OK about that part of their own personality, it's possible that they will go elsewhere to fill their need for that. The part about managing this is the difficult thing. I don’t want to scrub clean my small circle of friends right off the bat without allowing a chance for the change to take hold and the relationship to evolve, so I will try to help them become more comfortable with the new me. What I will not do is work diligently on myself all the while consciously helping them adapt only to continue to get beaten up for it. A time will come when decisions have to be made about how people will fit into my new life.

Sisterly Love

There are few things I count on in life more than my relationship with my sister. I sent her a portion of this post that sounded like it was written by someone for whom English is their third language. She understood what I was trying to say and was able to put it into words. It’s incredibly comforting for me to know that she’s been down this road… I’ve been down this road in the past too, but I was young then and things important then are certainly not important now. She knows the hurdles and boulders that will be in my path and even tho I know I’m equipped to deal with them, having travelled this path before, she walked it more recently. I’m incredibly thankful for having someone in the world that can make my own thoughts sound coherent and who will cheer me on for every life circumstance, regardless if it potentially makes her feel uncomfortable for a minute. And I do the same for her!

Credit goes to my beautiful sister at  FittyvsFatty for writing portions of the ‘You’re No Fun!’ section!

No FanFare?

Where’s my parade?

Yesterday was Day 30 of my 1st Whole 30. I’m not sure what I expected? A parade I guess… or a big pat on the back for doing something ‘so amazing’ as has been mentioned by my work friends on numerous occasions. But it’s not amazing really. In the grand scheme of all the crap that I’ve dealt with in the last few years, this was no amazing feat of anything. This was a month of doing what felt right and natural and what I should have been doing all along. I know that processed food isn’t good for you. I know that dairy makes me itchy and additives, sodium, and all the wrong kinds of fat make me bloated, uncomfortable and well… fat. It was just a matter of getting my mind around the fact that I deserved better dammit! That I didn’t have to live in my old life anymore and that no one but me made decisions for me. Once I had that figured out (right before the W30 started), I realized I could easily do whatever I wanted to. So I guess that’s why there was no parade… no fan fare for finishing… because it’s not finished. You’re not expected to (or encouraged to) spend every day for the rest of your life on the W30. As they say, it’s not called W365 for a reason. However, I believe that for now, this is where I belong. Eventually something worth it will come along and I will indulge in something off plan but for now, I expect nothing will be worth it when considered in contrast to how I feel being in charge of my own everything!

Moderator or Abstainer?

I just read on the Happiness Project about two styles of people… moderators (those who can have ‘some, sometimes’) and abstainers (those who are better at an all or nothing approach). I’m a sure fire, all or nothing abstainer! I don’t do well with ‘some, sometimes’… because ‘some, sometimes’ turns into lots all the time. It’s true, it would probably be more strong of me to learn how to manage myself so that I could have ‘some, sometimes’, but as I say to people who wonder why I don’t only eat organic if I’m so ‘worried about my health’… I can only do so much… I’m not a saint and I can’t do everything perfect so I’m going to do the best I can. And the best for now is recognizing that I’m not good at moderation and an all or nothing approach is certainly the wise choice for me!

What’s Next?


Well, more of the same really. I have a commitment till April 3 to stay strictly on the W30 program. April 4-7th I’m going away on a teeny tiny vacation. All our food is planned for and it’s all W30 approved but I will probably consume some wine with dinner and some Bailey’s with my morning coffee, so even tho I’d like to go a full 60 days stoppage free, as I said above, I can only do what I can do and since I haven’t been anywhere but work and home since the end of December, it’s not reasonable to expect to not indulge a bit.

So April 8 begins the 2nd phase of my All or Nothing way of eating. Only this time I’m going to make dates, berries, fruit and Larabars on the ‘nothing’ list… because my sense of moderation doesn’t work well and I’d really like to be able to curb the ‘need’ for evening snacking.

When Salad is the King, the Dressing is the Crown

So I eat a LOT of salad… one huge bowl every day for lunch. I’m not really much for chopping up ‘fixin’s’ for the salad so I go with a mixture of Kale Slaw and Organic Mixed Spring Greens from Costco… I used to like the Kale Slaw on it’s own but one day it just got really hard to choke down so now I mix it. I top my salad with two and a half baked chicken thighs (boneless skinless).


I’ve been eating this exact lunch since before the New Year and the only reason I don’t want to whip the bowl off the 5th floor deck and go get a cheeseburger is because of the dressing. When I started the W30, I knew I had to figure out a new salad dressing and quick because the one I’d been eating has every disallowed thing in it that they could jam in there… sugar, soy lecithin, dairy, chemicals!

I’ve since made both the following dressings successfully and so much so that people LOOKING at my lunch have requested the recipe. I imagine since they see my lunch every day also, that they must think it’s some sort of magic that keeps me interested every day. It is.

First up is a creation all my own.

I call it Toasted Walnut Bliss Dressing. People have asked if it has cheese in it or anchovies or if it’s Caesar salad dressing. The answer to all those is no, but with a taste profile like that, how can it be anything but great?



Toasted Walnut Bliss Dressing

1 cup of toasted walnuts
Splash of Balsamic vinegar (or whatever vinegar you have on hand… sherry, redwine, rice)
1tbsp whole grain Dijon mustard (check for W30)
½-1 tbsp minced garlic
Juice of a whole lemon or lime… I’ve done both and both are great!
Olive Oil
Water
Salt/Pepper to taste

Load the first five ingredients into the magic bullet or blender. You’ll use the olive oil and water to thin the mixture to your desired consistency. I usually start with about a ¼ cup of olive oil and if I need it thinner, then I add water and then EVOO in equal parts until I’m happy.

This lasts in a mason jar in the fridge for at least a week (I use it all up in a week so I can’t say it’s staying power past that but there’s nothing in there that should go bad).

The second dressing that I have for you today is actually a repost from Northwest Cave Girls. They call it a Ranch dressing but I find it closer to a Lemon Dill dressing. I guess depending on your amounts of seasonings you can make it more or less dilly as you like.

Paleo/Vegan Ranch Dressing

1 cup olive oil
1 cup Coconut Milk (use canned to get the thicker texture or use coconut cream mixed with coconut milk)
1 Tbs apple cider vinegar
1 Tbs prepared dijon mustard
2 tsp Dill
2 tsp Garlic Powder
1 tsp Onion Powder
1 tsp Chives
4 Tbsp Lemon Juice
1/2 tsp Parsley
1/2 tsp Thyme
1/2 tsp Sea Salt (to taste)
1/2 tsp pepper (to taste)

Combine all ingredients in a blender or magic bullet and pulse until well combined.

There you have it.  Two amazing Paleo approved, W30 approved and yummy approved salad dressings to keep you interested all week long!

This is not Zero

Good morning!

It’s absolutely GORGEOUS outside today! There’s fresh snow (hopefully some of the last!) on the mountains, the sun is shining brightly and the blue sky is dotted with just a few fluffy clouds!

I got up at 451am this morning, put my previously layed out gym clothes on and marched myself down to my car. It took 4 min to drive to the gym and park… when I got in there my scan tag wouldn’t work, which was annoying since it was only set up a week ago… the girl said it was never applied to my name… anyway, got that all fixed up and then I worked out. At 5 in the morning. I can’t say that it was the best workout I’ve ever had (obviously) and I wanted to puke halfway through it but I did it.

I didn’t take it too easy on myself either, which is what I was planning to do… I climbed 15 flights of stairs in 5 min (and then I couldn’t take anymore of that machine! Planning on doing it every day to get better at it… My first goal is to get to my old Climb the Wall time of 49 flights in 11 min)

I did 20 min on the elliptical but have no stats for that because I accidentally restarted the workout with 5 min to go and then I did 20 min on the treadmill and even ran for a short portion of it!

The biggest thing that I learned today is that if I can get my mind on my side, I can pretty much do anything I want. I was telling my sister last night that I was annoyed because I didn’t like having to start back at zero after having been away for so long. This morning that was bugging me too until I realized that zero is sleeping past my alarm, telling myself I can’t because I’m too tired or scared or whatever… being in the gym at 5am and sweating is not zero in my book!


Last night before I went to sleep I asked God for rest and relaxation for the night… to put my mind at rest and quiet the nervous energy. I asked for mental strength to propel myself out of bed when my alarm went off and strength to put aside all the negative self talk that I can use to derail myself.

I was duly blessed by an excellent night sleep and the energy and strength to climb out of bed with no thought of ‘starting tomorrow’. It is a lesson I continue to learn; that putting your faith and trust in God is the only way. That when you’re following God’s plan, you’re given the strength and endurance to get it done for He wouldn’t ask you to follow His plan without the tools to do so.

Every day may be a battle for the next little while but it’s not a battle I have to fight alone!

Goodbye for Now

I have a weird confession to make… I hope you don’t think any less of me when you read this and I hope you see it as the harbinger of a new chapter like I do.

I’m breaking up with knitting.

Yup… you heard it here first.

I’ve found myself not knitting very much lately and instead of letting it just gradually slide away, I thought it would be better to look at it, figure out why and then put a proper closure to it.

If you’re not a knitter and/or you don’t know me very well, it would seem kind of crazy why I feel the need to forensically identify why I’ve not been knitting lately. I get that. If you are a knitter and/or you do know me, this may make a little bit more sense to you.

You see, I’ve been knitting non stop for almost four years to the day. March 23rd, 2009 was the birth of what can only be considered an obsession. Knitting was with me and on me everywhere I went. I’ve compiled a ludacris collection of handknits that I may never see enough cold weather in this life time to wear. I have items that went directly in to my heirloom knitting box to be saved… for what I’m not sure… but they are works of art in every sense of the word. I have items I made with yarn purchased on holiday, on a whim and on a bad day. I’ve spent HOURS scouring Ravelry for patterns, projects and inspiration. I’ve knit things for a selected few other people and taken great pleasure in seeing them in action!

So what’s changed? Well me of course.

Knitting was around when my life was falling apart… when I wanted nothing more to than to run as far away as I could (which ended up being the coffee shop down the street). Knitting was around when everything came crashing down around me. It was around when I was picking up the pieces and when I thought I was ‘better’. Then it was there when I wasn’t ‘better’ at all. I spent many a lovely cozy day with my knitting… slowly building up a wool armor around myself. Every stitch was a piece of protection that kept me safe. My sister once said that she liked wearing my handknits when she was having a bad sad or difficult day because it felt like she was wrapped in my love and protection. And that’s what I was doing for myself. Knitting was a shield I used to protect me from the outside world and in part, myself. I received what can only be considered superficial attention from my finished handknits and knitting in public.

But now I feel like exposing myself a little bit… taking down the walls stitch by stitch (oh don’t get crazy, I’m not unraveling all my finished knitting!). For the first time in years I feel like I can stand up, on my own two feet without being draped/wrapped or smothered in handknits. It’s an interestingly unique feeling. Like going outside in spring without a jacket on. A bit scary but surprisingly ok.

So, because I relied on knitting as somewhat of a crutch, I need to take a purposeful break from it. I need it to sit in the background and be less important than it once was.

I can already tell you without a bit of doubt that I will miss it and that I will come back to it in time. My life is in a state of transformation and knitting has to transform too. What I want to do is come back to it when I’ve reached a goal I’ve set for myself and knit a sweater. I want knitting to be purposeful when I come back to it. The sheer volume of items that I have knit in the last four years speaks to the incredible pain I was trying to heal. When next I pick up my knitting I want it to reflect who I am transforming to become… Purposeful, driven and focussed. We can’t stay friends if we both don’t change so knitting is going to go away for a while.

It’s pretty freeing to have scrutinized this and then written it out… Tonight I’m going to put everything away… All neat and tidy like so when it’s time to reunite, it will be a calm and orderly reintroduction.

Perfect Whole30 Frittata

I think I’ve finally managed to perfect my Whole30 Breakfast Frittata.


I’m on week 3 now and don’t forsee giving up this way of Eating at the end of 30 days. Which means, more frittata!

I got the original recipe from my sister who sent it to me from here but I’ve changed it a fair bit and no offense to her, but I like mine better! Plus it has way more veggies and anyone doing W30 knows that the world revolves around veggies.

Loaded Veg and Sausage Breakfast Frittata

1 red pepper, chopped
1 yellow or orange pepper, chopped
1 onion, chopped (I used dry minced onion because I hate chopping onions)
2 Celery stalks, chopped
2 cups sliced mushrooms
Garlic (lots… minced)
1 small tin Tomato Paste (check ingredients if W30)
1 large bag of Spinach (Costco)
1lb sausage (or ground meat...whatever kind you like… check for W30)
2 roma tomatoes
1 dozen eggs
Oregano
Basil
Cayenne
Nutmeg**
Coconut Oil



** The nutmeg seems weird but be sure to add it in… it does something lovely to the spinach without making the whole dish taste weird. For the full Costco bag of spinach, I add around ½ -3/4 of a teaspoon.

First, sauté the pepper, onion, celery and garlic in coconut oil until the veg are partially cooked. Set aside and sauté mushrooms until they are cooked through and then set aside with other veg.

Sauté sausage until cooked through. Sprinkle with seasonings (I’m pretty generous) and then add in half the bag of spinach, mix around and put a lid on… you’re trying to wilt the spinach and incorporate it into the sausage. Once you have room in the pan, add the rest of the spinach and wilt down until incorporated. Pour sausage/spinach mixture into bottom of greased (with CO) 9x13 baking dish. Add sauted vegetables.

Crack 12 eggs into a bowl and add one small can of tomato paste. Whisk to incorporate and then pour into baking dish. Slice roma tomatoes and lay on top.
Cook in 350 oven covered with foil for 30 min and then remove the foil and allow to continue baking until egg is set.

I cut it into eight pieces and serve for breakfast with ¼ avocado and a handful of cherry tomatoes.
NB: Normally I would put salt and pepper in, but it’s better to season per serving because it’s very easy to make it too salty if you’re not sure of how your sausage will cook up. (ask me how I know!)

Other variations include using ‘turkey stuffing seasonings’ and a turkey sausage (or ground turkey meat) and then leaving out the tin of tomato paste.

Enjoy and let me know if you make this and how it turned out.

Please forgive the kind of mulched up picture with the dirty
glass bowl... but look how yummy!

I’m not alone! (and neither are you)

I’m sure you know if you’ve read along over the past couple of years, or dug back through the archives that I gave up a lot of things that I enjoyed and that were good for me in the last few years… I gave up eating well, I gave up exercise, I gave up a lot of control and self esteem and I gave up my faith in God.

I’ve talked about all of them so far except for the last one.

I guess it would be good for ‘ratings’ to say that I stood in my living room one day and screamed to the Heavens ‘Why God have You abandoned me?’. ‘Why have You left me here to suffer this alone… I don’t know how to fix this!’

There’s no such story. Because, in fact it should have been God standing in my living room and asking ME ‘Why have you forgotten about Me? I can help you if only you’ll ask You don’t have to go through this alone’. I can’t say for sure that that didn’t happen… that in the years of struggle He didn’t come to me and offer to put an end to my suffering… to save me from what my life had become. I certainly was in no place to hear it, for I was so busy trying to fix everything myself.

I remember having conversations (multitudes) with my friends and saying ‘I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything’ and then consistently listing off all the things I tried to do to fix the relationship, to make him respect me, to stop the manipulative and abusive behavior. I can still feel it now, the feeling I had during those conversations. It was like I was standing still in a vortex of insanity… everything I ‘tried’ swirling around me, too fast to catch… too messy to make sense out of. I don’t know what else to do… I don’t know what else to do… That thought went around and around me in a never ending spiral of grief and frustration. I can still feel the anxiety now when I recall those moments… and then the creeping thought that maybe I deserved this. Maybe I WASN’T fun… maybe I WAS a bitch… maybe I WASN’T a good housekeeper, cook, laundry doer, friend…PERSON!

I spent so many years, before that relationship and then during it thinking I had it all figured out… and then thinking I had to get it all figured out. I lied to my friends about my life at home… even my family doesn’t know the half of what went on…

I look back on it now and I can see that I COULD have saved myself… I could have just asked God for help. Those moments of desperation… of really being at the lowest low… feeling like I was going crazy and there was nothing left to try… there was always one more thing to try…

Every day is a new day and somewhere on my Christmas holidays I felt moved… things weren’t working, the year was ending and I was still seemingly stuck in a place I didn’t want to be… unhealthy, not really happy and with no prospect of massive change on the horizon…

I prayed that night. And as I prayed I felt a huge weight lift off me. It was such a feeling of renewal and peace that I wondered if I prayed again the next night would I feel the same thing… I did. Every time I spoke to God it felt as though my burden was being lifted. It all sounds so very cliché to me too… these are the things that you hear televangelists screaming into a microphone at crowds of thousands. ‘GOD WILL EASE YOUR BURDENS’. Well it’s hard to understand that as a young woman who’s never had burdens.

I’ve been a Christian all my life and I don’t recall ever feeling the weight of burden before… Back in the ‘good old days’ I prayed all the time… I thought I knew what it was supposed to feel like… But this… this was different. This commune with God was something I’d never felt before. This lightening of my load was something new… I’ve been down a long and steep road and picked up an awful lot of really ugly, dirty, unhealthy and sad burden on the way. Burden that previously in my life I’d never had to carry before. It crushed me… It filled my lungs with smoke and pulled at my muscles like hot irons. And man the moment I didn’t have to carry it alone anymore I realized just how heavy it really was… how back breaking and spirit crushing. And until that moment at Christmas I never thought that I would get the chance to stop carrying it. How amazing that I could just hand it off and be free!

I consider that time in my life a blessing now… I didn’t know just how terrible life could be… how desolate and lonely and painful… but the other thing I didn’t know was just how free and peaceful it could be. How much I didn’t have to depend only on myself to manage my life. I didn’t have to live in the pain for one more second… everything was new and clean again.

Every night I get excited to go to bed… for altho it’s not the only place; bed is where I pray. I ask for guidance, hand off my burden and feel peaceful at bedtime. Every night is not easy… my old habits get in the way and my mind wanders… trying to figure out my problems myself… So sometimes my prayer is to be reminded that I’m not in this alone anymore and I don’t have to figure it out myself.

My whole life is changing at a breakneck speed right now… I have a strength and willpower now I didn’t know I had. I have peace and harmony within my own mind and body that I honestly thought I would never have again. (if I ever had it in the first place). I feel like I’m rebuilding my life on solid ground where once I stood in quick sand. It’s a powerful feeling and I just could not help but write about it here.

Six Days Down

Today is my 6th day on Whole30.

I don’t really blog on the weekends so I thought I’d post today about what’s become of me so far on the first week.

1. I keep thinking I must be cheating on this because everything I’ve made so far tastes so good and doesn’t need the added dairy or sugar. As I’d already been pretty strict about grain, there hasn’t been much of a change there. I cooked last Saturday and Sunday and made my breakfasts, lunch fixings and dinners so that I didn’t have to cook at all this week. I didn’t mind eating the same thing every day altho dinner got a bit boring, but I have a plan to combat that next week.

2. I have food cravings in the evenings. I can’t even really say it’s a sugar craving… it’s more of a ‘food in my mouth’ craving. I’ve been drinking a lot of tea to stay hydrated and interested and when the craving pops up (more of a habit than a craving… it’s all mental) I ask myself if I’m hungry. The answer is predictably no, so that’s the end of that mental conversation.

3. My sleep has improved. I’ve always been a good sleeper but often would be dog tired when I finally went to bed and wake up tired and a bit crabby. Now at 9pm I turn the tv off and get started on my bedtime routine that includes face washing, teeth brushing, cat duties, sometimes a bath and then into bed. I find that I’m still alert and cognitively functioning when I crawl into bed but sleep comes easily and is deep and lasting. I wake up at 7am in the morning and feel alert and ready for the day (except this morning but I think I over did it on Valarian tea last night).

4. My digestion has gotten better. I haven’t had a stomach ache or bloating or gas in days.

5. My skin condition on my hands has cleared up. It’s not a full win in the skin category as it’s winter and dry and harsh for skin but I have no more itchy red bumps on my hands and my legs don’t itch at night.

6. I’m a lot calmer. I think this can be attributed in large part to having my food planned and prepped for the week so I don’t’ have to spend valuable week night time on cooking, but I also feel more calm and peaceful. Every day right after work I put my pajamas on and sit on the living room floor to play with the kitty. Because I don't have to do much in the way of cooking or cleaning because it’s taken care of on the weekend, I really look forward to and enjoy the time that I get to spend with the little fuzz ball. It’s probably about 20 min of playing and he makes me laugh. He seems happier because of the extra focused play time and we’ve invented two new games this week that he really seems to enjoy.

Those are all the things that I’ve noticed thus far. I know it seems weird to attribute a happier cat and a better kitty/human relationship to W30 but as they say all over the website and in the book, W30 is about changing your lifestyle. The planning and prep time that I invest on the weekends is something I never did before and now I’m realizing the benefits of it. It’s also given me cause to think that my easy wake up at 7 could probably be pushed to a bit earlier and some excerise could be scheduled in to the am. I’ve always been an AM workout person and I used to really enjoy it so I’m going to expect to start that soon and see if I can make AM workouts fit in my life again.

All in all, a fantastic and successful first week on the Whole 30.

Whole 30 ahoy!

I hope you’ll forgive my absence over the last little while. Lately I’ve been in a state of change, mentally, spiritually and physically and although I’ve written many posts, none seemed fitting to put up so I deleted them.
Why is today different then? Well I wanted to share what I’ve started. Back in around August of last year I gave up wheat and grains along with junk food in order to see if it helped clear up my skin condition and help me feel better. It did… by leaps and bounds! I was very good with it for a while and then started letting things like potato chips and ice cream back in…It’s taken me almost this long to realize that I’m an all or nothing kind of person… as in eat ALL the chips or none… Knowing that, I decided that the best way to start fresh was to do a cleanse… so I looked online and all the ones I found went against everything that I believe. Take pills, drink juice, starve yourself. None of those things felt like the right way to go and then I remembered Whole30.
It’s not exactly a cleanse in the strict sense of the internet word… but the idea is that you remove all sugar (even the hidden ones and the ones that disguise themselves using other names), all dairy, all chemicals and all grains, legumes, corn and soy.
You don’t get to weigh or measure yourself for the 30 days, which is okay with me and besides, my scale is out of batteries. I, like a great many people I know who have done this, am more interested in the non-measurable results. Will my skin clear up. Will I sleep better… will my digestive system stop hating me and doing mean things to punish me. Will I want to adopt this as a way of life going forward. Those are the things I’m looking forward to. If my pants fit better at the end, then that’s a bonus.
Anyway, today is day 2. I know a lot of people document and photograph their food for the duration of their W30… I’m not that person. But I am committed to this and I am going to go the whole 30 days… no cheats, no whining, no complaining. Because I think I owe this to myself… My life is changing in so many ways at what feels like a breakneck pace and what better time than in the depths of change to make depths of change?
I was going to say wish me luck, but I don’t need luck. I guess if you want to wish me something… wish success...

PURGE

So last week when I wrote about throwing things away and rearranging furniture to better suit the function I need from my house, I went straight home and did it. I cleaned out three drawers, made room for my napkins (which will hopefully be here today) and then I rearranged the dining area to accommodate the new dining bench. Let me tell you, it’s been a completely life changing moment!

I haven’t had a proper table and chairs to eat at in about 13 years. I’ve had various substitute set ups that were less than desirable and I always ended up just sitting on the sofa.

Eating at a proper height dining table with both my feet on the floor has made such a huge impact on my life in this short time I can’t even tell you!

There’s a new rule in my house which consists entirely of the notion that no food shall be consumed elsewhere than the dining table. There is no more sofa sitting and eating.

Meal time is now defined. I still watch TV while I eat and that’s something that I would eventually like to change also, but for now, this is working.

Because I’m eating at a table with a place mat and a proper table setting, I’m more likely to want to eat a proper meal that consists of sides or a salad. I eat less because I eat slower and even though I am still watching TV, I’m able to concentrate more on what I’m eating. Eating dinner (because lunch and breakfast are consumed at work) takes longer but when I’m done I feel content and I take my dishes into the kitchen and clean up dinner straight away.

All these things may seem like normal every day fare to some and it is, but for me, it’s a completely new lifestyle! I love it!

With the idea in mind that change is good, I changed a few more things around my house this weekend. I rearranged some of the other furniture to function better and I put some items for sale on Craigslist as well. One of the items sold and while I’m glad to be rid of it and have the cash instead, I could have done without the buyers lingering in my apartment and making me feel awkward for wanting them to leave.

The small changes that I made to my house have lightened my spirit (which I actually didn’t know needed lightening) and made me feel even more at home in my home. I have a very full next three months coming up that include 99 hours of volunteer training, a friend coming from out of town and some other things planned that will take up time, so the more organized and functional my house is, the better!

I also did one other thing that made me feel better about the clutter in my life. I deleted a bunch of people off my Twitter feed that did nothing but serve to irritate me. I realize that Twitter is a mechanism for attention seeking at its worst and we’re all obviously guilty of putting 140 characters of ‘hey, look at me’ out there, but there’s that and then there’s the length many people go to get attention. For example:

I can’t decide if I want a piece of cheese or not
My sister emailed me a baby picture
I’m going to have quiche for dinner
I don’t like the color green

I mean seriously! It’s not necessary to publish every thought that runs through your head. The sort of attention one receives for having verbal diarrhea is superficial and unnecessary. Keep a few things to yourself.. it’s not necessary to describe your bowel movements due to your dairy allergy on the internet… it’s just not!

Now, I’m, of course, not suggesting people change to suit me. If you’re immature, you’re immature and that’s fine, you’re the one that has to live your life. I don’t care about your moral cheese dilemma and I find it a bit insulting that people who write this type of nonsense obviously think their followers SHOULD care… That said, I went through the list of people that I follow and it’s now a much shorter, but a more mature, reasonable selection of nonsense!

It’s amazing what getting rid of a bit of irritation does for the mindset.
I’m off to Costco tonight to see about getting my deep freeze delivered and maybe a passport photo taken and then it’s home to make Mexican Pasta Sauce (this being chili without the beans) and go to bed early before my first day of being out of the house at 7:20 and not back again until close to 11.

All over the place

I have an incredible urge to throw things away!


In fact, as I’m thinking about it right now, I already know which drawer I’m going to start with and I know I will be doing it almost the second I get home.


I squandered the last bit of my holidays away playing with Mr. Fluffypants and watching television. I was trying to keep a cold at bay so on Friday I took the day off and slept most of it. Saturday and Sunday were both uneventful (except getting evacuated from Costco on Sunday afternoon… but that was barely an event!).


I’ve been doing very well in the past little while with ensuring that I cook and prepare all my own meals. I ate grain twice over the Christmas Holiday. Once on December 21 when I ate a piece of custom made birthday cake. It was a chocolate lazy dazy cake in which you use coffee for the liquid and it was covered in whipped peanut butter icing and garnish of more chocolate and peanut butter.

And then I ate two bites of stuffing on Christmas day because Janet makes the Canaday/Janzen stuffing recipe and it’s kind of kryptonite. I will say that I suffered IMMENSELY after both those indulgences… which relegated them right outside the indulgence category…


ANYWAY… One of my Journey Plan items is to continue to not eat grains of any sort, no legumes, no really starchy veg and a meagre amount of dairy. So far it’s working out great! I’ve been filling my freezer (soon to be deep freeze if I can figure out a way to get the effer home from Costco!) with home cooked grain free meals so that when I start into my 99 hours of training next Tuesday I’ll have good things to eat.


That said, I’m feeling in a very purgey way right now. I want to throw everything in my house away! Obviously I’m not going to but there are some areas that won’t be spared. The impetus for it was really a purchase I made on Etsy. Another one of my Journey Plan items is to continue to try and make as little impact on the planet as I can, while still remaining sane and not wasting spending all my time on worrying about it. One of the ways to do that is cloth napkins. Now, I’m sure you can go to the store and purchase some really heinous cloth napkins at Winners or Canadian Tire. But, always one for wanting something interesting and unique, I bought myself a set of four screen printed napkins from THIS ETSY VENDOR

In fact, the ACTUAL ones I bought are pictured below.

The other thing that I’m really itching to do is figure something out for my dining room. I love my dining room. When I first moved I repurposed a small loveseat to function as banquette seating on one side and two antique chairs on the other side. It looks great! The problem is that the sofa is far too low and you can literally scoop food from off the table into your mouth… no lifting necessary. It’s funny at first but it makes your stomach hurt, and it’s hard to get in and out of with the table so close. Cat toys go under there to die on a very frequent basis, which means I have to pull the two chairs, table and sofa out to rescue them for the whining machine!


So I’d like to do either two nice chairs that I can refinish and recover, or, ideally, because I like the banquette idea, I’d like to do this.

Thanks for the great idea pinterest! And if that doesn’t work, I’m considering trying to find some legs and making just the bench portion. In the scheme of things, that would work best with the way the room is designed and where the drapes are anyway!


So I went looking online just now for dining benches… and then it hit me! I have a 4’ wide incredibly sturdy coffee table that is currently the holder of stuff in my bedroom until I get a dresser! When I first got it I had them cut quite a few inches off of it, which I’m sorely regretting now, but if it’s pretty close to 18”, I should be able to shore it up with some layers of mdf or plywood and then make the bench cushion for it! The stain on the coffee table matches the chairs and I have plenty of the sofa fabric left to cover the bench!



I’m pretty happy right now because it means that my lost creative mojo (which I lost about three weeks before Christmas) seems to be coming back. Maybe I’ll even knit a little tonight, once I’ve thrown out a bunch of stuff and measured my bench (and let’s be realistic, moved the bench to the dining room, moved the sofa to the bedroom, rearranged the bedroom because the sofa won’t fit otherwise and then cleaned the whole place! Good thing dinner is in the crockpot as we speak!