Bad Girl

Okay, it’s confession time… I ate ice cream yesterday.

I know, I know… not exactly W30 and my 2nd W30 starts again today… I had 8 days in and now I have zero days in.

If I look at it practically, it’s not really the end of the world. Everyone makes a misstep and the more important thing that the failure is how you recover from it. Whether you fall completely, laying in the dirt and flailing about, or whether you just get up, take it as a lesson and move on.
I flailed about in the dirt yesterday. I ate about four spoonfuls of the ice cream and then decided I didn’t want anymore and put it away. And then I flailed around calling myself all sorts of names and berating what a weak and useless idiot I am. Of course being a weak and useless idiot requires punishment, so to punish myself, I ate the entire rest of the pint.
The worst part was that I knew exactly what it would do to me physically… It would cause me to crave more sugar, it would set me back in my quest for another 30 days of clean living and then, it would make me tired, lethargic and chemically stoned. I slept through four alarms this morning… My stomach was hard and distended and uncomfortable and I was starving. These are all things that I have grown to not miss about poor eating habits and while I was punishing myself for my misstep, I knew these were the consequences and I did it anyway.

The guilt and self-loathing that I felt this morning was equivalent to having committed some sort of catastrophic crime and I’m afraid someone is going to find out that I’m a fraud…

I knew it, they’ll say! I knew you couldn’t do this long term! I knew that you were just putting on a show! Your ‘fringe’ (to steal my sisters word) way of eating is a sham and I knew you went home every night and ate candy and cookies and ICE CREAM!
It’s not true… it’s not true, I’d have to say back… This was just a mistake… Everyone can’t be 100% all the time… it’s not possible… I did 40 days clean! I had half a glass of wine on my vacation and then started again the next day! ON MY VACATION! Everyone deserves a break when they make a mistake, I would say…
So how come when it’s me saying those loathsome things to myself, I don’t defend myself in the same way… instead of defending myself, I agree… yes, you are weak. Yes, you are a fraud! What made you think you would be strong enough to go against society and its prescribed eating habits? Why would you do this to yourself otherwise?
Well, I know the answer… we all know the answer if we look deep inside ourselves…

My answer is that I’m terrified. I’m very happy to eat healthy and I love the results… my skin is amazing, I sleep well, my mood is stable and positive and I’m in a club of people that appreciate that kind of effort. And the physical side effects of treating my body nicely are that I’m losing weight and things are re-adjusting in my body… I’m close to having to go down another pant size and now I’m sabotaging myself because I’m terrified. The things I’m terrified of are too difficult to write here, so I won’t… I think it’s enough that I’ve opened my wounds this much today… I just know that the things I’m terrified of are real, but in order to move forward in life, I’m going to have to find a way to live in peace with them…

So today I will start new and I will get up out of the dirt and stop flailing about. I will take this as a lesson instead of a crime… I will try and quiet the voice that is calling me a bad girl in the back of my head and start reminding myself that I have abnormally beautiful skin, strong legs, a great laugh and that terrified or not, I refuse to wallow in the not so praise worthy parts of myself… and sabotaging to prevent the fear doesn’t work… I know that because less than 18 hours after the sabotage, I’m no less terrified so I’ll just have to figure out something else!

No FanFare?

Where’s my parade?

Yesterday was Day 30 of my 1st Whole 30. I’m not sure what I expected? A parade I guess… or a big pat on the back for doing something ‘so amazing’ as has been mentioned by my work friends on numerous occasions. But it’s not amazing really. In the grand scheme of all the crap that I’ve dealt with in the last few years, this was no amazing feat of anything. This was a month of doing what felt right and natural and what I should have been doing all along. I know that processed food isn’t good for you. I know that dairy makes me itchy and additives, sodium, and all the wrong kinds of fat make me bloated, uncomfortable and well… fat. It was just a matter of getting my mind around the fact that I deserved better dammit! That I didn’t have to live in my old life anymore and that no one but me made decisions for me. Once I had that figured out (right before the W30 started), I realized I could easily do whatever I wanted to. So I guess that’s why there was no parade… no fan fare for finishing… because it’s not finished. You’re not expected to (or encouraged to) spend every day for the rest of your life on the W30. As they say, it’s not called W365 for a reason. However, I believe that for now, this is where I belong. Eventually something worth it will come along and I will indulge in something off plan but for now, I expect nothing will be worth it when considered in contrast to how I feel being in charge of my own everything!

Moderator or Abstainer?

I just read on the Happiness Project about two styles of people… moderators (those who can have ‘some, sometimes’) and abstainers (those who are better at an all or nothing approach). I’m a sure fire, all or nothing abstainer! I don’t do well with ‘some, sometimes’… because ‘some, sometimes’ turns into lots all the time. It’s true, it would probably be more strong of me to learn how to manage myself so that I could have ‘some, sometimes’, but as I say to people who wonder why I don’t only eat organic if I’m so ‘worried about my health’… I can only do so much… I’m not a saint and I can’t do everything perfect so I’m going to do the best I can. And the best for now is recognizing that I’m not good at moderation and an all or nothing approach is certainly the wise choice for me!

What’s Next?


Well, more of the same really. I have a commitment till April 3 to stay strictly on the W30 program. April 4-7th I’m going away on a teeny tiny vacation. All our food is planned for and it’s all W30 approved but I will probably consume some wine with dinner and some Bailey’s with my morning coffee, so even tho I’d like to go a full 60 days stoppage free, as I said above, I can only do what I can do and since I haven’t been anywhere but work and home since the end of December, it’s not reasonable to expect to not indulge a bit.

So April 8 begins the 2nd phase of my All or Nothing way of eating. Only this time I’m going to make dates, berries, fruit and Larabars on the ‘nothing’ list… because my sense of moderation doesn’t work well and I’d really like to be able to curb the ‘need’ for evening snacking.

When Salad is the King, the Dressing is the Crown

So I eat a LOT of salad… one huge bowl every day for lunch. I’m not really much for chopping up ‘fixin’s’ for the salad so I go with a mixture of Kale Slaw and Organic Mixed Spring Greens from Costco… I used to like the Kale Slaw on it’s own but one day it just got really hard to choke down so now I mix it. I top my salad with two and a half baked chicken thighs (boneless skinless).


I’ve been eating this exact lunch since before the New Year and the only reason I don’t want to whip the bowl off the 5th floor deck and go get a cheeseburger is because of the dressing. When I started the W30, I knew I had to figure out a new salad dressing and quick because the one I’d been eating has every disallowed thing in it that they could jam in there… sugar, soy lecithin, dairy, chemicals!

I’ve since made both the following dressings successfully and so much so that people LOOKING at my lunch have requested the recipe. I imagine since they see my lunch every day also, that they must think it’s some sort of magic that keeps me interested every day. It is.

First up is a creation all my own.

I call it Toasted Walnut Bliss Dressing. People have asked if it has cheese in it or anchovies or if it’s Caesar salad dressing. The answer to all those is no, but with a taste profile like that, how can it be anything but great?



Toasted Walnut Bliss Dressing

1 cup of toasted walnuts
Splash of Balsamic vinegar (or whatever vinegar you have on hand… sherry, redwine, rice)
1tbsp whole grain Dijon mustard (check for W30)
½-1 tbsp minced garlic
Juice of a whole lemon or lime… I’ve done both and both are great!
Olive Oil
Water
Salt/Pepper to taste

Load the first five ingredients into the magic bullet or blender. You’ll use the olive oil and water to thin the mixture to your desired consistency. I usually start with about a ¼ cup of olive oil and if I need it thinner, then I add water and then EVOO in equal parts until I’m happy.

This lasts in a mason jar in the fridge for at least a week (I use it all up in a week so I can’t say it’s staying power past that but there’s nothing in there that should go bad).

The second dressing that I have for you today is actually a repost from Northwest Cave Girls. They call it a Ranch dressing but I find it closer to a Lemon Dill dressing. I guess depending on your amounts of seasonings you can make it more or less dilly as you like.

Paleo/Vegan Ranch Dressing

1 cup olive oil
1 cup Coconut Milk (use canned to get the thicker texture or use coconut cream mixed with coconut milk)
1 Tbs apple cider vinegar
1 Tbs prepared dijon mustard
2 tsp Dill
2 tsp Garlic Powder
1 tsp Onion Powder
1 tsp Chives
4 Tbsp Lemon Juice
1/2 tsp Parsley
1/2 tsp Thyme
1/2 tsp Sea Salt (to taste)
1/2 tsp pepper (to taste)

Combine all ingredients in a blender or magic bullet and pulse until well combined.

There you have it.  Two amazing Paleo approved, W30 approved and yummy approved salad dressings to keep you interested all week long!

Perfect Whole30 Frittata

I think I’ve finally managed to perfect my Whole30 Breakfast Frittata.


I’m on week 3 now and don’t forsee giving up this way of Eating at the end of 30 days. Which means, more frittata!

I got the original recipe from my sister who sent it to me from here but I’ve changed it a fair bit and no offense to her, but I like mine better! Plus it has way more veggies and anyone doing W30 knows that the world revolves around veggies.

Loaded Veg and Sausage Breakfast Frittata

1 red pepper, chopped
1 yellow or orange pepper, chopped
1 onion, chopped (I used dry minced onion because I hate chopping onions)
2 Celery stalks, chopped
2 cups sliced mushrooms
Garlic (lots… minced)
1 small tin Tomato Paste (check ingredients if W30)
1 large bag of Spinach (Costco)
1lb sausage (or ground meat...whatever kind you like… check for W30)
2 roma tomatoes
1 dozen eggs
Oregano
Basil
Cayenne
Nutmeg**
Coconut Oil



** The nutmeg seems weird but be sure to add it in… it does something lovely to the spinach without making the whole dish taste weird. For the full Costco bag of spinach, I add around ½ -3/4 of a teaspoon.

First, sauté the pepper, onion, celery and garlic in coconut oil until the veg are partially cooked. Set aside and sauté mushrooms until they are cooked through and then set aside with other veg.

Sauté sausage until cooked through. Sprinkle with seasonings (I’m pretty generous) and then add in half the bag of spinach, mix around and put a lid on… you’re trying to wilt the spinach and incorporate it into the sausage. Once you have room in the pan, add the rest of the spinach and wilt down until incorporated. Pour sausage/spinach mixture into bottom of greased (with CO) 9x13 baking dish. Add sauted vegetables.

Crack 12 eggs into a bowl and add one small can of tomato paste. Whisk to incorporate and then pour into baking dish. Slice roma tomatoes and lay on top.
Cook in 350 oven covered with foil for 30 min and then remove the foil and allow to continue baking until egg is set.

I cut it into eight pieces and serve for breakfast with ¼ avocado and a handful of cherry tomatoes.
NB: Normally I would put salt and pepper in, but it’s better to season per serving because it’s very easy to make it too salty if you’re not sure of how your sausage will cook up. (ask me how I know!)

Other variations include using ‘turkey stuffing seasonings’ and a turkey sausage (or ground turkey meat) and then leaving out the tin of tomato paste.

Enjoy and let me know if you make this and how it turned out.

Please forgive the kind of mulched up picture with the dirty
glass bowl... but look how yummy!

Six Days Down

Today is my 6th day on Whole30.

I don’t really blog on the weekends so I thought I’d post today about what’s become of me so far on the first week.

1. I keep thinking I must be cheating on this because everything I’ve made so far tastes so good and doesn’t need the added dairy or sugar. As I’d already been pretty strict about grain, there hasn’t been much of a change there. I cooked last Saturday and Sunday and made my breakfasts, lunch fixings and dinners so that I didn’t have to cook at all this week. I didn’t mind eating the same thing every day altho dinner got a bit boring, but I have a plan to combat that next week.

2. I have food cravings in the evenings. I can’t even really say it’s a sugar craving… it’s more of a ‘food in my mouth’ craving. I’ve been drinking a lot of tea to stay hydrated and interested and when the craving pops up (more of a habit than a craving… it’s all mental) I ask myself if I’m hungry. The answer is predictably no, so that’s the end of that mental conversation.

3. My sleep has improved. I’ve always been a good sleeper but often would be dog tired when I finally went to bed and wake up tired and a bit crabby. Now at 9pm I turn the tv off and get started on my bedtime routine that includes face washing, teeth brushing, cat duties, sometimes a bath and then into bed. I find that I’m still alert and cognitively functioning when I crawl into bed but sleep comes easily and is deep and lasting. I wake up at 7am in the morning and feel alert and ready for the day (except this morning but I think I over did it on Valarian tea last night).

4. My digestion has gotten better. I haven’t had a stomach ache or bloating or gas in days.

5. My skin condition on my hands has cleared up. It’s not a full win in the skin category as it’s winter and dry and harsh for skin but I have no more itchy red bumps on my hands and my legs don’t itch at night.

6. I’m a lot calmer. I think this can be attributed in large part to having my food planned and prepped for the week so I don’t’ have to spend valuable week night time on cooking, but I also feel more calm and peaceful. Every day right after work I put my pajamas on and sit on the living room floor to play with the kitty. Because I don't have to do much in the way of cooking or cleaning because it’s taken care of on the weekend, I really look forward to and enjoy the time that I get to spend with the little fuzz ball. It’s probably about 20 min of playing and he makes me laugh. He seems happier because of the extra focused play time and we’ve invented two new games this week that he really seems to enjoy.

Those are all the things that I’ve noticed thus far. I know it seems weird to attribute a happier cat and a better kitty/human relationship to W30 but as they say all over the website and in the book, W30 is about changing your lifestyle. The planning and prep time that I invest on the weekends is something I never did before and now I’m realizing the benefits of it. It’s also given me cause to think that my easy wake up at 7 could probably be pushed to a bit earlier and some excerise could be scheduled in to the am. I’ve always been an AM workout person and I used to really enjoy it so I’m going to expect to start that soon and see if I can make AM workouts fit in my life again.

All in all, a fantastic and successful first week on the Whole 30.

Whole 30 ahoy!

I hope you’ll forgive my absence over the last little while. Lately I’ve been in a state of change, mentally, spiritually and physically and although I’ve written many posts, none seemed fitting to put up so I deleted them.
Why is today different then? Well I wanted to share what I’ve started. Back in around August of last year I gave up wheat and grains along with junk food in order to see if it helped clear up my skin condition and help me feel better. It did… by leaps and bounds! I was very good with it for a while and then started letting things like potato chips and ice cream back in…It’s taken me almost this long to realize that I’m an all or nothing kind of person… as in eat ALL the chips or none… Knowing that, I decided that the best way to start fresh was to do a cleanse… so I looked online and all the ones I found went against everything that I believe. Take pills, drink juice, starve yourself. None of those things felt like the right way to go and then I remembered Whole30.
It’s not exactly a cleanse in the strict sense of the internet word… but the idea is that you remove all sugar (even the hidden ones and the ones that disguise themselves using other names), all dairy, all chemicals and all grains, legumes, corn and soy.
You don’t get to weigh or measure yourself for the 30 days, which is okay with me and besides, my scale is out of batteries. I, like a great many people I know who have done this, am more interested in the non-measurable results. Will my skin clear up. Will I sleep better… will my digestive system stop hating me and doing mean things to punish me. Will I want to adopt this as a way of life going forward. Those are the things I’m looking forward to. If my pants fit better at the end, then that’s a bonus.
Anyway, today is day 2. I know a lot of people document and photograph their food for the duration of their W30… I’m not that person. But I am committed to this and I am going to go the whole 30 days… no cheats, no whining, no complaining. Because I think I owe this to myself… My life is changing in so many ways at what feels like a breakneck pace and what better time than in the depths of change to make depths of change?
I was going to say wish me luck, but I don’t need luck. I guess if you want to wish me something… wish success...

Squasha Sauce

Doesn't that sound exotic and tasty?  It's not, but the name makes me giggle.

Basically, I made pasta sauce... but since I don't eat pasta, but I DO talk about what I cook, I figured that I should probably change the name to avoid the 'but you said you don't eat wheat' conversations.

I'll give you the recipe here, but I encourage you, if you want to make Squasha sauce, to use YOUR favorite vegetables and seasonings and then take all the credit for inventing Squasha Sauce to your friends and family!

I'm going to give the quantities here that I used (estimated) but basically the amount you make is going to depend on the size of your pot and freezer space or the number of hungry mouths you have to feed.

In a large pot, brown one onion, five or six chopped cloves of garlic and fresh sliced mushrooms in olive oil (I used about 14 sliced white stuffer mushrooms).  When the mushrooms have cooked down, add in chopped peppers (as many as you want... I put two pimento peppers, one orange, one yellow and a sweet red pepper in).  Continue to cook down and then add chopped zucchini (I used two medium zukes, cut lengthwise and then lengthwise again and then chopped).

Add your seasoning.  For this batch, I used one finely chopped Cherry Pepper (purchased at the farmers market... when unique peppers are not seasonal, I usually use chiracha and some cayenne).

Add about two dozen chopped ripe roma tomatoes. (I chopped them, left them on the cutting board, sprinkled coarse seasalt on them and let them rest for a couple min before adding to get the juices flowing).

In another pan, brown your ground beef (or chicken, or pork or turkey or sausage), sprinkle generously with cayenne pepper and sea salt and then add to your stock pot.

I added two jars of Classico pasta sauce, one jar of water and two teaspoons of Tabasco (it was all I had left) to the pot at this point and then simmered.

That's your basic Squasha Sauce.  Ground meat of choice (or no meat for a veggie option), coarsley chopped veg of your choice (before I went 'modified paleo' I used to add corn and peas...) salt, pepper and some heat seasonings (peppers, chili pepper, tabasco sauce etc...) as to your own liking.

Because I'm dumb, I didn't have the spagetti squash cooking while I was mucking about with the sauce, so by the time the sauce was done I was starving and didn't want to wait for the squash.  I ate a bowl of squasha sauce for dinner.  It was actually VERY yummy by itself and I would suspect that if a bit more liquid was added, you could have a nice chunky fall soup out of this same recipe.

Assess... and Re-assess

Thank you to both my sister and my friend for the nice comments last night... I didn't eat a single one of those things... in fact I ate a roasted chicken breast with sundried tomatoes on it over a salad of mixed greens and a bit of avocado, tomato and mushrooms.

Then I took two Advil Cold and Sinus and told the cat 'lets go lay on the bed for a minute until mommy's headache goes away'. Well, two guesses how that turned out!

I think I've figured out what the problem is... or what A problem is.

I'm bored.  I've never been a good cook or chef altho I can whip up yummy things to eat.  I'm not imaginative or inspired in the kitchen... Pattypan squashes stuffed with bacon and spinach? Sounds divine... probably wouldn't make it.

Butter Chicken over Spagetti squash?  LOOKS divine and yet, there's a good chance I'm not making that either... altho it has a better chance cause it's two of my favorite foods.

I'm bored of putting stuff on salad... I'm bored of trying to think up things to make for dinner... I'm bored of smoothies for breakfast... altho every morning they are my favorite thing, I'm bored of making them and buying the ingredients for them and thinking about them.

I know what I need to do... I need to nest... I need to pull out the crockpot and make things... Mexican Pasta Sauce (it's basically chili without the beans), chunky pasta sauce for pouring over squash.  Cabbage roll soup and Curry Chicken Soup.

I need to be able to pull something out of the freezer and not have to think about it.  I want to go back to a time when I didn't constantly think about food.  That was one of the biggest reasons why I didn't want to join the Zone or Weight Watchers... I don't like to be and don't want to be obsessed with food...even so far as not wanting to have to 'dream up' dinner.

The last sentance in my last post was And I want to not care when I eat it....

I do not want to care... Not in the way that I don't care what I eat and how I feel... just that I don't want to give food so much attention.  Giving it this much attention for me gives it an awful lot of power... and that power turns into obsession...

So, now that I know what A PART of the problem is, how do I fix it?

I go back to that which I know... if food is easy, I stop caring about it in an active way.  A bagel and cheddar cheese was the easiest meal I ever made.  Not the best or most healthy, but I knew what I was having when I was on the bus on the way home, I knew it took little effort, it tasted good and when I was done, I was done.  I believe I should be able to translate those requirements to actual food and putting a bunch of stuff in the freezer will be very helpful.

I also think that even with all the stuff in the freezer, I'm going to start making a weekly meal plan. That way I only need to think about food the one time.

I hope this helps... any suggestions in this vein of not wanting to have to think about food are welcome!

And I won't be eating cupcakes anytime soon... I promise!