Twenty Year Plan

 

Now, I know SOME of you already have a vague recognition of the plan.  I assure you tho, this is no joke.

 

For those of you that don't know, let me back up a bit.

 

I grew up (32 years ago) in a small town in Northern BC.  In 2006, the census says that there were 1113 people calling my hometown, home. I now live in a city that 579,000 people called home in 2006.  That's an increase in over a half a MILLION people!  And that isn't really accurate because the GVRD (which includes our suburbs, which are very impactful to the overall population.  That number is over 2.2 million people).

 

When I moved to Vancouver, I decided that I never wanted to call any other place home.  I love it here!  I love the proximity to both oceans and mountains (altho the mountains and I enjoy eachother from a distance).  I love the people for the most part, I love the fusion of so many different cultures and traditions and the overwhelming selection of amazing food.  I mean, to be honest, you can get anything here... there's even an Egyptian restaurant!  Cool! 

 

I have spent many years here now... the house I moved in to when I moved to the city proper from the burbs (many years spent there too!) is the house I live in now.  February will be my 10th Vancouversary!  And I've loved every minute of it!

 

What I haven't loved in the last few years is my seeming lack of direction.  Just knowing where you want to live isn't usually enough to sustain an entire life.  What would I do for the rest of my life... dunno.  How would I support myself for the rest of my life... dunno.  I guess I could work at my existing job for the rest of my life... but what will I have to show for that in twenty years?  Do I even WANT to do this for the rest of my life?

 

When I was sad and lonely in the last couple years, I would get out of bed every day, wondering to what end I was repeating the same thing... day after day after day.  When does it end?  When do I get to do the fun stuff?  And I don't mean retire... or vacation... but live in such a way that makes me feel fulfilled and content.  It's possible I've not ever really been content... ponders... ya, no... not ever.

 

When I took up knitting (see, knitting is in there... it IS after all a 'knitting' blog), I started to really enjoy the interaction with nature... I started to prefer more natural fibres, more environmentally consious processes.  In my life I started to concentrate on my own impact on the environment... I started composting, taking transit and purchasing things with less toxins and less packaging.  Not huge impacts really, but I do believe if we can all do what we CAN do and not dwell on what we can't do or what others are doing... more, better... then we're better off in the long run.

 

So back to my twenty year plan.  I don't know how other people's 'dreams' start... one day you think something up and then you focus on it?  Does it evolve?  I mean, how does it really start?  I want to call my twenty year plan my dream, but it's only been a definable dream for a short time.  It's been a FEELING inside me for a long time... one that I didn't know what it was, but have now matured and evolved myself enough to know that my new dream is only fueled by the fire that's been inside me... not hampered or confused by it.

 

I'm sure you're curious enough now, so I'll just come out with it.

 

For the next twenty years, my focused life path will be to the following end:

 

I want to live on a farm with goats and chickens and barn kitties.  I want to wake up in the morning and put my gumboots on and milk my goats. I want to make chevre the likes of which have never been tasted by mere mortals.  I want to grow my own organic vegetables and take the excess to a farmers market. I want a studio in an outbuilding that has room for my fibre arts and I want a couple of Jacob sheep.  I want to sit on my porch and survey my land.  I want a warm and loving home that is inviting to all.

 

In order to make this work, the next twenty years will be dedicated to savings, debt repayment, learning and growing.  I will not retire at an old age from a job I don't passionately love.  I will however grow old on my own terms, on my own land and in my own way. 

 

THAT is my dream.  THAT is what will keep me getting out of bed every morning and give me the answer to the question 'What am I doing this for?'.  That will give my life direction... something to work toward.  Something big and beautiful and dreamy to caress and nurture.  To dream dreams about and to inspire the gloomy days.  Without this I'm just swishing around in the whirlpool of my life... not knowing which end is up or down... THIS... this dream is my anchor...

 

I'm. SO. EXCITED!

What's up woman!

I'm about a day late and a dollar short on this one but it's going to get me all riled up and I was in super chill mojo land on the weekend and didn't want to get all aggravated...

I'm so sick and tired of all the competition between women lately!  I don't understand all the judgement that is being bandied about lately!

There was an article on the Huffington Post  (I found it via a twitter link from Yarnharlot... I most certainly don't spend my time looking for this stuff) that basically said that women that engage in 'typical' female behavior (such as knitting, gardening and cupcakes?!?) aren't 'tough enough' to call themselves feminists.  That article in no time was ripped to shreds mostly by the knitting community.  My only thought (because I typically don't spend a lot of time thinking about this... more on that later) was 'isn't the general movement behind 'feminism' an idea that we're able to choose to do whatever the hell we want?'  And what does 'tough' have to do with anything?  Many of the commenters on that post (all 344 of them) spent a good amount of time defending their 'toughness'. Many of them 'shoot guns' or 'fix their own cars'.  What I want to know is why you have to justify your 'toughness' to someone that thinks that cartoon characters are better feminists than you. 

The reason I spend so little time thinking about this is maybe because I'm priviledged and sheltered, but maybe it's because I just want to be seen as a woman.  I'm a female.  I'm not a feminist.  I'm not 'tough'.  I'm not 'girly'.  I'm me.  I'm a woman in 2011 and I feel no such need to justify myself to anyone.  Every day we are all given tests and trials that require a different part of us to be the star in order to get through it.  Sometimes we need the soft and gentle side, sometimes we need the 'don't mess with me side'.  And sometimes an equal combination of both is best.  That doesn't make you any more or less female.

The other thing that is bothering me is this competition of 'real women'.  What the fuck is a 'real woman'?  What is a 'fake' woman?  And what is the scale on which one is judged in order to make it into the 'real' woman category.  From what I understand, it's a 'saying' that was dreamt up by fat women to make themselves feel better.  Essentially saying that 'skinny bitches' aren't real women.  Uh what?  What's the poundage that one must be overweight by before they qualilfy as a 'real' woman?  And for those that are genetically predispositioned to be thin, or those with eating disorders, or those that have a chronic illness that has caused weightloss, what does that mean to them?  They're no longer considered 'real'? 

My opinion on this 'competition' between the BEST feminists and the REALEST women is the following:

We have been fighting the entire world since the existance of time to be equal.  To have our wages be equal and fair.  To not feel that we are in danger whenever we're alone at night.  To be taken seriously in WHATEVER role we decide we want for our life.  And now, NOW at the time when it's getting there... when women can be whatever they want... can go to school, can excel and can choose for their own lives, we're fighting amongst ourselves over who's BETTER?  Are you kidding me?

I agree that there will always be competition in the world... in the workplace.  You're the BETTER doctor, she's the BETTER chemist... he's the better pilot... that's quantifiable competition. 

The best feminist, the realest woman, the best mommy... all nonsense and all that does is tear apart the global team of women when really, were we to actually stick together and work together, we could see amazing change... but instead, we just seem to attack eachother.

Maybe we should all try being 'women' for a while and see what happens.

Enticing Photos of yesterday's creation!

As pointed out to me by my good friend PJ, I forgot to post photos of my new recipe.  I'm very bad at remembering stuff like that but lucky for you, I have taken some photos.

This first photo is of my grocery list.  I didn't put creamo, tinfoil, fruit or coffee beans in the dish.  Please also note that this list is not conculsive of the actual ingredient list.  I had some of the stuff needed at home.  Also, I forgot to buy coffee beans.

This is a picture of the French White casserole dish I baked most of the meatloaf in.  Please be aware that the mangoes are insanely huge... otherwise you might thing the casserole dish is tiny.  It is not.  Also, don't you LOVE my faux granite laminate?  Me too!

And finally, the money shot!  This is three of the six packages of meatloaf that I froze.  They're wrapped in tinfoil lined with waxed paper and then I used some packing tape to keep them packets shut because with the waxed paper in there, tinfoil isn't as 'secure'.  Beside it you'll see a tiny snippet of what I believe are home baked buns and the packets are sitting atop Trader Joe's Angus Beef Hamburgers.

So sorry for not including these photos in the recipe.  I'll have to remember to put them all in the same post next time.  I hope this was helpful and has inspired you to make the Meatloaf for dinner tonight!

Darcy's Cheeseburger Meatloaf (UPDATED)

You have my express written permission to try this TONIGHT!

2lbs ground beef
3 eggs
1 cup quick oats
half a bag of frozen peas
medium white onion, diced
1 can of Fire Roasted Tomatoes, slightly drained
1 can tomato paste
basil
mustard
dill pickes, sliced
2 cans of canned mushrooms
Salt and pepper
shredded cheddar cheese

Add first six ingredients in large bowl and mix together.

Pack into pan (I used a french white casserole and a loaf pan because my 9x13 is on an adventure, but you're probably okay using a 9x13)
Spread tomato paste on meat
Squeeze mustard on top of tomato paste (however much you like...)
Sprinkle dried basil on mustard
Drain mushrooms and spread evenly
Spread dill pickles evenly (as many as you want... I put quite a few)
Top with shredded cheddar cheese
Grind fresh black pepper on top of cheddar cheese

NOTE:  I didn't salt the meat at all... You can if you want, but I prefer to season per serving... it's helpful if you're feeding this to other people so everyone can have it the way they like :)

Bake in a 350F oven until done (I did 1h30min)!

Reviews and other nonsence

I'm on a total 'doing stuff' bend... When I first became a single woman again, I distracted myself by plowing through each day with a mission to fill it to the brim with anything I could get my hands/mind on.  Then I fell flat on my face in exhaustion and grief.  When I woke up again, in a somewhat more healed state of mind, I fliffled (yes it IS a word!) through each day with the intention to do only that which I wanted to and if that meant sitting on the sofa or taking a nap, I would do that.  And what that turned into was a 'doing stuff' state of mind.  Only stuff I want to do mind you.  In the last few weeks I've filled my freezer with single serving meals of chili (5), curry chicken (complete with serving of rice frozen right in!)(4), BrownSugar slow cooked chicken(5) and my all time favorite, Mushroom and Beef Burgundy made in my crockpot (a whopping six frozen meals and I ate two dinners and a lunch before it went in the freezer). That's TWENTY meals!

I'm (as you may know) in love with my crockpot!  I love to fill it up with fresh ingredients and leave it for a day to come home and find something fantastic.  I love then to fill up reusable plastic containers full of whatever fantastic is and put them in the freezer so I can enjoy on a day when I'm feeling less than fantastic!

Today I had greek yogurt with a tablespoon of my dad's home made jam.  It was divine!

I may have mentioned in the past that I'm a lover of Trader Joe's.  We don't have one up here in Vancouver, BC, but it's about a one hour (including the border) trip to the one in Bellingham.  There, I purchased, among many things, the following, which I am about to review... (do you like the warning?)

Trader Joe's Spa Face Wash with Tea Tree Oil

    This stuff is great!  I find it smells kind of... unique, but then I remember that most cosmetics companies throw fragrance (which I HATE!) and sweeteners in... I like the fact that this smells natural.  I actually stumbled upon it by accident when the kind TJ's employee was looking in the back for something, but I had my mind tuned to it's existance by THIS POST on Can you Stay for Dinner?.  It's still too early in the experiment to tell if it's perfect for me, but since I've started a new 'take care of me' routine before bed, it's a big part of that and I enjoy my time in front of the sink.  I think the one thing I would add, if the Trader Joe's people were asking me for advice on the product, would be to put a foaming pump on it.  It's just a thin liquid and I find that I waste some when it dribbles between my fingers before I can get it up to my face... but also, I really like those foaming things, so it might just be me!

One great tip that I got from the linked post is to wash your face twice... as in, wash it once to remove the makeup and then wash it again to wash the actual skin... something about similar to taking a shower with your clothes on... I think THAT little gem was in the comments.

Trader Joe's Brown Rice Medley

    This is going to be hard to review because I haven't exactly made and tasted it yet, but the internet says good things about it and it looks really yummy!  Also, it was insanely cheap at less than $3 if I recall correctly and it's pretty unique.  It's long grain brown rice, black barley and Diakon Radish Seeds.  I will cook in the next week and let you know how it turned out.

Trader Joe's Harvest Grains Blend. 

    Okay, I originally bought this thinking it was beans.  I'm not that smart.  It's not beans, it's more like very small grain pasta with split yellow peas and quinoa in it.  I made a half a bag of it yesterday to have with my stew and it was the perfect compliment.  I'm not usually one that will eat stew just straight out of a bowl.  In order to make food go farther, you put it (like chili, curry chicken, stew) on a bed of something... rice, mashed yams (yum!), pasta etc... I don't find just a bowl of stew filling enough because I don't believe it's carb/fat/protien balanced, so I like to put it on something.  Also, the expensive part of your meal goes farther, so you, like me, can freeze leftovers!  Anyway, this particular product is fantastic!  I cooked mine in the left over beef broth from making the stew and put the tablespoon of butter in that it called for.  I wouldn't do the butter again, but when trying new things, I like to go per instructions the first time.  Next time I make it, I will also find a way to pick the split yellow peas out.  Not that I don't like them, they taste fine, it's just I'm a big texture sort of person and they never cook like pasta so they're crunchy in my warm, soft and smooshy stew... yuck!

Uh Oh!: UPDATED

Today Glenda and I embarked on a mojito and guacamole fuelled dyeing (not dying!) adventure!

I ended up with one gorgeous skein of purple/gray wool/silk/bamboo yarn (to make a hat) and Glenda ended up with some GORGEOUS (and as yet, not photographed well!) green Rowan Summer Tweed and some gorgeous teal dk and green/teal laceweight!

The only problem with mine, is that I wasn't all that careful and now it's a big tangled mess.  :(
 

I tried to fix the mess myself.... now it's worse :(

Oh, and for my own record: 2 muddlers of silver gray and one muddler of jet black in big measurers.  Small amount of Jet black in first, wait some, then rest of black and all of silver.

In retrospect feelings...

Please don't minimize me.

 

Don't minimize my feelings, don't minimize my reactions.  What's wrong with just letting me have and experience the emotions as they come?

 

Is it because you're scared I'm going to cry?  Is it because you're scared YOU'RE going to cry?  Crying won't kill us you know!  Sometimes it feels like it... but I've discovered that usually the reason it feels like it's going to give you heart failure and choke you is because you're trying to NOT cry.

 

I find so often that I have an intense reaction to something and I'm brushed off or minimized.  My hysteria (because I assume that's what you think it is!) is usually short lived and then my rational and sane brain cells take over and I'm much more reasonable.

 

I'm tired of being expected to be sunny and warm and level all the time.  I'm exhausted from trying to be 'happy' all the time.  To not say what I"m feeling. To not say what I want or even *gasp!* what I need.  Do you really think I don't need anything?  Do you really think that because I don't say what I feel and what I need/want that I don't feel anything and don't need/want anything?  That's a ridiculous and wildly narcissistic way of behaving don't you think?  Every person has needs.  Physical, emotional and spiritual needs.  Is it easier for you to pretend I don't?  Do you really want to even know someone that doesn't have needs?  Wouldn't they be flat and uninspiring?  Do you think my job is a joke and I fool around all day?  That it's not upsetting to me to find out someone I know well has Cancer?  Aren't you shocked if I don't have a reaction to something emotionally traumatic?  Are you that self absorbed?

 

Now, I know, it's not that I didn't actually express my emotions... it's more that when I did, you had to be MORE upset, MORE angry or MORE whatever I was feeling.  My emotional wellbeing became to feel like a contest.  How can you be MORE upset than me that my sister is sick, or that I'm feuding with my dad?  WHY do you want to be MORE?  Why can't you just be.. just be!  And why can't you just be there for me?  Why does my experience have to turn around and be about you?  Why do you have to make everything about you?  When I'm dealing with something emotionally important, why do you have to turn into a cold block of ice?  That makes my experience about YOU!  Because I can't just let go and be me when I have to mitigate whatever act you're putting on.  It's exhausting!

 

I'm glad I don't have to deal with this anymore.  Because I'd rather be all by myself and know I have to deal with my pain on my own than to have someone pretend to be there for me and make everything ten times harder than it needs to be!

Big Day!

Today I spent the day at my mom's house where we made 14 dozen cinnamon buns (no, I'm not kidding!) and I finished and blocked my blankie!

Here's the day in pictures because I am exhausted!

HI!

I've been going through old pictures... Enjoy!

 Mr Fluffypants says hi!

Here's the 'before' of the cabinet I did for outside... forgot I had this picture

Here's the after!

 My favorite picture of the cat!

 My mechanic!

 Happy Place!

Isn't it gorgeous??

Sweet Potato Scone!

 

Oh ya!  Just went for a little walkies to get a muffin and the guy at the bakery was his own little piece of sunshine!  He gave me my muffin and then let me try two new recipes of scones that the nighttime kitchen staff are working on.  One was a Tropical one, which was nice and moist but somewhat tasteless and I don't care for coconut.  The other was the Sweet Potato Scone, made with Spelt Flour.  To die for!  Seriously yummy, with all the amazing spices that remind you of warm cozy living rooms, family and friends gathered and a warm cup of chai tea!  So fall... or winter.  It's not fall OR winter right now, but I'm ALWAYS up for anything that tastes like that oh so happy, cozy time!  I like my apartment to smell like fall all year round... it feels... peaceful.  Even tho, when that time rolls around, it's hardly ever anything like 'peace'.  Maybe this year I'll make sure that it IS peaceful...

Anyway, back to the scones!  So I've been searching online for a sweet potato scone recipe that seems similar and so far I've been out of luck.  I might have to make up my own, but if you know me at all, you're already cringing at the thought!

 

Do you have a good Sweet Potato Scone or muffin/biscuit recipe that you'd like to share?

You put WHAT in there??

Cilantro.  Yes, I know, I HAAAAAAaaatte Cilantro... 

Well I did hate Cilantro.  There's a strong divide in the food community (of which I am most certainly NOT a part of) over Cilantro.  In layman's terms, (since I did a lot of internet reading and don't expect you to also go and read fifty articles on cilantro), it's basically that the brain of the 'haters' detects the aldehydes (the smell of the broken down fat molecules) which are similar to the aldehydes that soap, cleaning agents and bugs exhibit.  The hater's brains tell you it's a poison and to avoid it.  The 'lovers' detect the same aldehydes but reference them from a positive place (companionship, food culture, good experiences) and it's not detected as a poison.

A NYTimes article says this about converting 'haters' to 'lovers':

The senses of smell and taste evolved to evoke strong emotions, he explained, because they were critical to finding food and mates and avoiding poisons and predators. When we taste a food, the brain searches its memory to find a pattern from past experience that the flavor belongs to. Then it uses that pattern to create a perception of flavor, including an evaluation of its desirability.

If the flavor doesn’t fit a familiar food experience, and instead fits into a pattern that involves chemical cleaning agents and dirt, or crawly insects, then the brain highlights the mismatch and the potential threat to our safety. We react strongly and throw the offending ingredient on the floor where it belongs.

“When your brain detects a potential threat, it narrows your attention,” Dr. Gottfried told me in a telephone conversation. “You don’t need to know that a dangerous food has a hint of asparagus and sorrel to it. You just get it away from your mouth.”

But he explained that every new experience causes the brain to update and enlarge its set of patterns, and this can lead to a shift in how we perceive a food.

“I didn’t like cilantro to begin with,” he said. “But I love food, and I ate all kinds of things, and I kept encountering it. My brain must have developed new patterns for cilantro flavor from those experiences, which included pleasure from the other flavors and the sharing with friends and family. That’s how people in cilantro-eating countries experience it every day.”

“So I began to like cilantro,” he said. “It can still remind me of soap, but it’s not threatening anymore, so that association fades into the background, and I enjoy its other qualities. On the other hand, if I ate cilantro once and never willingly let it pass my lips again, there wouldn’t have been a chance to reshape that perception.”

Cilantro itself can be reshaped to make it easier to take. A Japanese study published in January suggested that crushing the leaves will give leaf enzymes the chance to gradually convert the aldehydes into other substances with no aroma.

Sure enough, I’ve found cilantro pestos to be lotion-free and surprisingly mild. They actually have deeper roots in the Mediterranean than the basil version, and can be delicious on pasta and breads and meats. If you’re looking to work on your cilantro patterns, pesto might be the place to start. 

Now, I couldn't classify myself as being in the 'lover' camp and I would probably decline Cilantro in most things if I could, but I think my 'food map' is being altered.  One of my closest friends makes salsa with cilantro in it (because he wouldn't dream of changing a good recipe because of my 'irrational hatred'.  And I love every moment I spend with him and everything he makes (except oatmeal!).  

And that gets me to the moral of my story.  I made a crockpot today and the recipe called for Cilantro.  Normally, I would avoid this, but the chef is known to make amazing food and I wanted to make her recipe as written (except I couldn't find liquid smoke... grrr!).

And I'd write out the recipe for you here, but no one does as good a job as she at photographing and describing her creations, so go here to find it.  And then put her on your rss feed or your blog list because she's pretty amazing and her entries never fail to amuse, cause hunger and inspire.

CAN YOU STAY FOR DINNER'S SLOW COOKED SMOKY CHIPOTLE BROWN SUGAR CHICKEN

Way too much

SUN!  P'cess got WAY too much sun today!  I feel as tho I might barf... While I wait for my baby Gravol to kick in and take myself to bed for a MUCH DESERVED Saturday night sleep into a Sunday that I don't have to work, I will leave you with these pictures.

I worked at the Harmony Arts Festival today for Indigo Moon. Totally fun, totally love the woman, so tired and pukey!

 Henri took some time out to contemplate the scenery

 Henri and the Lion's Gate Bridge

 Henri and Trish Moon of Indigo Moon

 Henri was trying to convince me he wanted a blanket for Christmas

 Hanging out in hand dyed Canadian Merino

 Trish and her lovely booth

 Henri auditioning for a job as the mascot.

 Henri shows off the new yarn I'm getting for my work.  It's called Wildberries.  YUM!

 Henri snuck to the booth next door...

Hanging out with the 100% silk laceweight

It's here

A firedrill.  - Well, not exactly a fire drill.  More like an actual 'fire' incident, complete with fire truck, seven fire fighters in full gear and oxygen tanks and a very angry captain.  7:35 in the morning, I was in the kitchen at work about to put knife to peach and make my breakfast when the fire alarm went off.  I'm a fire warden (one of three on our floor) at work and I know that the other two girls don't work till closer to 9, so I gently set my peach down and ran for my desk where my Fire Warden gear is. (vest, flashlight, post it notes and whistle).  I also put my iphone in my handbag and grabbed that too, on the previous advice that if it's a real incident, it will be a while before you can get back in the building and as a woman, all your stuff is in your purse.  I did my rounds on my floor, checking all the rooms and closing the doors behind me.  At first I was in a bit of a panic but I stopped for a second and realized that there was no smell of smoke and no obvious problem on our floor, in a concrete building.  When I was the last one on the floor (a bit creepy), I headed down the stairs and outside to find two other fire wardens standing outside.  When I asked what was going on, one of the guys said 'There's an incident on the 2nd floor'.  I had to DRAAAAG the rest of the information out of him, including whether the fire department had been called.  The 'incident' turned into a gong show.  Our fire 'marshall' (the guy that is supposed to talk to the FD, know where everything is and give direction to the wardens (who's only job is to clear their own floor) was a pansy!  Seriously, I think the FD scared him or something because he sort of turned into a pudding brain and was completely unhelpful.  I ended up 'taking over' because even tho I also knew nothing, we all looked like a bunch of fools and at least they needed someone competant to talk to.  90 min later the captain came out of the building in a bit of a rage.  They went up to the 2nd floor, investigated everywhere, including in the ceiling and found nothing to report.  Like NOTHING!.  So we found the woman that had pulled the fire alarm and called 911 and she said 'I heard a noise and smelled something funny so I called you guys'.  Uh, what?  Seriously?  At no time did you decide maybe you should get up out of your office and LOOK AROUND?  Seriously?!?  It was SO embarassing!  We (as the fire warden/marshall team) did learn some good lessons and we've made changes to some of the procedures based on the call, but it still is going to cost the department the $1000 fire call and she broke the glass in the pull station.  I hope she feels like an idiot.  In a concrete building at 730 in the morning, when there are MAYBE ten ambulatory adults on each floor, you can stand to investigate a bit before you go full throttle at the fire alarm.  Also, we have dialysis patients on the ground floor of the building... what a dummy!

Quitting - I've temporarily quit my yarn store job.  I have the next five weeks off and then we'll revisit and see how I feel and what the scheduling might be like.  I've worked 6 days a week for the last 7 months (and a few times in there I worked 7 days a week, which made for some very long distances between days off).  Don't get me wrong, I like my job there and I LOVE the owners and Amanda!  They're just fantastic people!  The problem is that I am in a strong requirement for some down time and I need my two days off to get through the next little while.  I will revisit working there (hopefully in the evening) in September.

A book review - The Kitchen House by Kathleen Grissom.  A. MAY. ZING!  Seriously excellent!  I borrowed it from my friend Tara (www.tarable.blogspot.com) and it was almost impossible to put down.  At first I was a bit put off by the language and grammar used, but quickly realized that it was respectfully an integral part of the book and the story was told with such emotion and passion.  Highly HIGHLY recommend!

Finding an old friend - A LONG time ago in a far off land (northern BC) I accepted a job to be a supervisor and keyholder of a large chain grocery store in the interior of BC (think 7 month winters, -40c before the wind chill and NOTHING to do).  Prior to moving there, I had to go to even more north in BC to do my training.  There I met a few of the people that would end up making up the management team.  I distinctly remember HATING it there and realizing that the managers that were moving to my new store were less than impressed with me.  But when I GOT to the new store, I made fast friends with the Grocery Manager (I being the Front End and Cash manager).  We were pretty much inseparable and our friendship (to me) felt like we'd known eachother for ever.  He looked out for me (like when I stapled through my finger, or had a mental breakdown in the cash office) and I think I would have ended up in a much worse position than I did if he had not been there.  (the Manager took great pleasure in picking on and bullying me).  Anyway, the evil that is Facebook reconnected us and as it turns out, we're both sort of in the same boat relationship wise.  I really enjoy getting friendships back together and this continues to remind me that when relationships grow apart, it's best to let them go and not force it.  If they were meant to be (friendships I'm speaking of, not romantic relationships, altho maybe them too), then they'll come back around.  I'm sure there's some cliche floating around about that!

To Come

A firedrill.

Quitting

A book review

Finding an old friend.

You might need a coffee to get through this!

Wanna know a good way to scare the ever loving shit out of yourself?  Fail at updating your iphone, have it lock up to be a useless piece of poop and then have to spend until midnight restoring it.  Find out after you have restored it that when iTunes said you should sync it first to get all the stuff off the iphone into the library that you bought from the app store while on the fly, you SHOULD DO THAT!  I lost quite a bit of stuff... including my Smurfs game. :(  Not so sure I'll start it again.  It's kinda anticlimatic that I just reached a milestone on the game and now I have to start from the beginning :(

 

I took transit to work today for the SECOND day!  That's right!  I now take transit to work.  Some of my closest friends have already phoned me up and basically asked if I was ill or possibly hit my head.  My distaste for transit is quite well known.  Actually, my distaste for BUSES is quite well known.  I don't mind the train.  I do mind when people breath on me, stand in front of the doors like stantions and otherwise act like jerks, but it's a VERY short train ride!  In fact, it's only about 6 min according to google.  I'd say that's pretty accurate.  So my commute has gone from almost 20KM and an hour of driving to 5.5km of driving and it takes about 19 min all together, including the two LONG block walk from my car park spot to the train.

 

Today is the 15th day without caffiene.  I don't see anything different about how I feel or behave when not consuming caffiene, so not sure how long I'll keep it up.  Maybe till the end of the month, just to see how a month off the stuff feels.

 

Yesterday I drank 3 litres of cucumber flavored water.  It's my new favorite thing!  I like plain water, but sometimes it gets boring and then I feel I want to go in search of something else, either additives (which while not terrible for you, aren't exactly awesome) or worse yet, juice or pop.  I don't like lemon water very much because I find it hard to get it perfect... I don't like it too lemonny, contrary to what some people who know about 'lemon lettuce' might think.  So I thought I'd take the plunge and experiment.  It turned out remarkably well!  I cut a 3" chunk off a large field cucumber ( I understand it works with English cucumbers as well, but since field cucumbers are locally grown and for sale right now, I thought I'd use that!), cut it into chunks and then threw it into the pitcher with 3 litres of water.  The skin stays on, and gives the water a bit of a citrusy flavor and the flesh of the cucumber gives it the distinctive subtle flavor.  It's very refreshing!  Next time I'd probably scrape the seeds out before I threw the bunch in the water because it's kind of a pain to have them floating after you strain out the chunks.

 

I just downloaded Jason Aldean's new album.  It's fantastic.  He has a voice similar to that of Dean Brody... one I find to be like salve for the soul.

 

I found the kitty sleeping on the deck chair when I left for work today.  He spent the entire evening and night outside.  Not sure what he was doing, but I've gotten a lot less anxious when he does that.  Altho, in the summer it makes sense for him to be outside... I would sleep outside on a deck chair too if I could!  In the winter is when it's bothersome because it's never ending rain and wind... what does a little kitty need to be outside in that for?

 

And for the last thing in the most boring blog update to date, I started knitting again.  I picked up the Bestee's birthday present and knit three rounds!  It's so close to being done!  Wednesday evening I'm going to go with my friend Glenda to her beginner knitting class!  More as moral support (for who I'm not sure...) and maybe I'll get the pressie done.  It's going to be about a month late, but I'm sure well recieved when I'm finally done.  I had such big plans to be done by her birthday and I started so early, but who knew life would take such a turn!  It's funny because I LOVE knitting!  I like seeing the item come to life between my needles.  It's given me comfort, entertainment, friends and many MANY finished items.  When I started to really feel low, I couldn't bring myself to pick up a project... almost like I didn't want to contaminate something I loved with poor feelings... and then it got to be so long that it was like trying to call up a friend after it's been just a little bit too long... it's awkward and difficult but just needs to be powered through.  I powered through and I'm BACK BABY!

YAAWWWWNNNN.....

My friend Sam took these pictures of the kitty while he was mid yawn... Or was he??

Random...

 

1.  I have not drank caffiene for the last week.  This started out unintentionally and now I've decided to keep it up for a while.  The coffee shop I go to makes a red espresso, which is made with rooibos tea.  It's very fine and they pack a bunch into the espresso cup/brewer/thingy and then force out rooibos tea and add hot water.  It's very yummy with a tiny bit of brown sugar and a splash of cream or almond milk.  I can't feel any difference between drinking caffiene and not drinking caffiene, but it's probably better in the long run.

 

2.  I think I either dislocated my shoulder or dislocated my rib... I can't move my right arm or turn my head... in fact, my head is so imobilized from the pain that I can't drink water from a glass or bottle because I can't tip my head back... good thing I like straws!  Anyway, I'm thinking I might have to get an emergency appointment at Dr. Ed's but I don't really want anyone to touch it.  It's excrutiating to move, lay in bed, sit on the couch and stand.

 

3.  I didn't go to work on Sunday because I hadn't really slept and I couldn't figure out how I was going to get dressed.  Plus, the yarn store is a pretty dynamic environment and not being able to move your head and arm makes it pretty impossible to help people.  I first thought I could just cashier, but the keyboard/mouse set up is quite low and I have to bend to use it... and bending is just not an option.

 

4.  I got new HD tv and my hdpvr on Saturday!  The TV I bought last month sure looks pretty now!  I don't have very many channels... Just the regular network ones (global, ctv, cbc) and then I got Animal Planet, National Geographic, Discovery and Discovery World and Spike.  I already have a long list of things to pvr already scheduled so it doesn't seem like I'll be channel deprived.

 

5.  The cleaners came to my house on Saturday.  They're amazing!  They moved all the furniture out of the way to vacuum, cleaned the oven (I presprayed it), washed the floors, scrubbed the tub and toilet!  And vacuumed with a DYSON, which means that there must have been a LOT of cat hair in her canister when she was done!

 

6.  For the third week in a row, I've brought both my breakfast and my lunch and snacks to work!

What's up...

I'm so conflicted at the moment that I can't even think about writing down what I'm feeling.

 

I was under the miguided impression that as soon as Pat moved out, I'd be 'back to my old self'.  I'd be running every day and eating very healthy and feeling like a new woman.  Ya, that was rubbish!  I'm sad.  I'm lonely and I'm depressed.  I don't mind getting up in the morning by myself (besides the fact that I have to PRY myself out of bed (thanks mild depression!  Very helpful!) and I don't mind coming home to my house alone... I don't mind going to bed by myself... I was almost always first in bed and first up in the morning when Pat lived here.  It's the evening that I don't much care for.  I haven't knit, I don't read... I just sit on the sofa and stare and talk to the kitty. (not like crazy cat lady talking!).

I am not used to having so much silence.  On the one hand it's nice but on the other hand it reminds me that I haven't yet really mourned the end of my relationship.

 

For the six weeks that we lived together after we broke up, we both pretended (rather successfully actually) that everything was 'fine'.  The day he moved out, I busied myself with making my new duvet and making dinner (from scratch!) for my friends and sister who came over to keep me company.  I took the rest of that week off work and sewed, cleaned and organized both by myself and with a variety of people helping me! (THANK YOU!).  I worked four days last week and every night after work did some sort of project or another.  On the weekend I had the big Karma party and was suitably distracted from any thoughts or feelings by the shear amount of work and people around.  On Sunday I went and hung out on the sofa at my friend Sam's house and by Monday had nothing left to do to distract myself. 

 

Now the silent sound in my house reminds me with each passing minute that I have not reconciled this at all.  I've spent two months distracting myself, pretending to be fine and otherwise faking it.

I'm living in fear of actually sitting down and thinking about what's happened in my life.  I have big plans for the 'new' me... jogging, good eating (altho to be fair to me, I am eating well and healthy!), new positive things to replace negative things that have come before.  But I can't seem to get there to them because there's a huge wall of grief that I have to get around first and I'm avoiding it like the plague.  It's like when you don't want to rip a bandaid off because it will hurt, so you figure the longer it stays on and the more showers you take, the glue will weaken and it will just slide off.  That never works!

 

So for the time being I'm stuck.  I'm afraid to cry because it's going to hurt.  I'm afraid to even talk about my feelings surrounding it (aside from superficial stuff) because it will make me cry and as mentioned, that's going to hurt!

 

And I feel that everyone was so encouraging to me that it will be 'different' when he's gone and that it was 'for the best' that I should be expected to be well over it (it's been two months!  but really, it's been two weeks) and have moved on.

 

And I haven't moved on.  I've cleaned and organized and made plans that are no where near being near fruition.  And when I go home I lay on the sofa or in my bed and stare into space completely numb until I fall asleep.

 

I haven't finished my bestee's birthday present (which is terrible since I started it so early... not knowing that this 'minor detour' would have come along), I have a million things I want to start, finish and work on and no ambition to do any of it.

 

The most ambition I've had in the last few days has been to discern where the lovely mint/lavender smell in the living room was coming from.  As it turns out, my whole bottle of Element Botanicals essential oil smashed in the bottom of my notions bowl.  At least it smelled good!

Not quite as planned

Dear Diary;

 

I've been very busy lately and the moments and days that I'm not busy, I'm catatonic... My plan to be 'ready to go' this week has been dropped in the toilet.  I'm so tired and out of sorts that I can't even think of what to eat when I'm hungry. I doddle around the house like a woman without a brain and yesterday I spent the ENTIRE day laying on the couch with the kitty.

 

At the very least (and it was by no means least in the LEAST!), I now have curtains in the kitchen, a teal blue wall in the living room, my chandelier actually works and I put the crystals on it and the giraffe is now blue.  The railings outside were scrubbed and polished, the chairs were cleaned, wild flowers were planted and the kitchen cupboards were scrubbed!  I cleaned the top of the fridge (EW!) and the microwave got cleaned and everything was dusted!

We also drank and ate a lot and had some awesome laughs!

 

Here are some rather crappy iphone pictures.  More (better) later, I promise!

 Taking his Monday nap outside

 finally with the crystals and POWER! That was a six year project!

 Kitty was so happy to have his blankie back (it went out to sister's for washing)

The color in this photo is hideous... I'll get a better one.

Don't fall asleep!

My period of acute mourning for my relationship is almost over.  How's that you say?  How can you predict when you will feel better?  When you will stop feeling sad and tired?  Well, let's be honest, while I think I'm superwoman, I am not and therefore I can't predict these things.  What I can do is say that while I'm sure I will have some bad days, I will no longer allow myself to be submerged in it.  So, you're done today, you ask?  Well, no.  I have a four day weekend coming up (including not working at the yarn store!  Holy cow!) which will entail a great deal of 'nice things for me'.  At the end of that, I will enter into the next week ready to take on the world.  Some of the 'nice things for me' include a trip to my Accupuncturist (and best massage therapist in the WORLD!), grocery shopping for food for the next week, a trip to Dressew with my friend Glenda  to get the fabric to make a waterproof picnic blanket! (YES!  It was Glenda's idea, but such a good one that I'm borrowing with her blessing!) I'm going to make curtains for my kitchen, have people over to help clean the rest of the place up and do the last odds and ends and then it's back to real life for me!

In other FASCINATING news, it's been determined (by me) (last night) that I can NOT take allergy pills.  I was having was I presume was an allergic reaction to something last night and was itchy EVERYWHERE.  Between my toes, my knuckles, my knees and other parts that you'd rather weren't insanely itchy!  I took a Reactine because it's the only anti histimine I have and it worked.  The problem is that I'm completely stoned today!  My head feels like it's full of cotton stuffing and stainless steel scrub buds!  It's wobbling back and forth on my apparently insufficient neck and making me feel like I was out all night partying (which I was not!  I was in bed playing with my smurfs!)  I knew that taking allergy pills on an ongoing basis during allergy season made me feel run down and not at my best, so I generally didn't take them but I DIDN'T know that taking one pill would make me stoned for 24 hours!

One day at a a time....

It's been seven days.

 

Seven days since I've woken up with my love and seven days since I've had to go to bed by myself and work out how to be with only my own company again.

 

I've cried.  I've sighed.  I've wished and hoped and regretted.  I've tried to predict the future, knowing full well I can't fathom a thought past this minute I'm sitting in.

 

I've sat in this minute... and the next and wondered what was going to happen next.  What must I do next?  What must I think next and feel next?  How do I reconcile my grief?  Can I cry?  Not only can I cry, but can I cry and then be able to stop!

 

The problem with me is that I'm a 'planner'.  I like to plan things.  I like to assign dates and times to things... to work toward them... to know what's going to happen next.  And all that serves at this point in my life (where in other points it's been very helpful), is to make me anxious about the fact that I can't predict the future.  And when you don't have control of the surrounding things, making plans is next to impossible.  It's like trying to make a grocery list at work when the recipe you want is at home... not exactly helpful!

 

So for the time being, on top of having to basically relearn life as a single person, to have to fight my urge to lay in bed and cry for the rest of my life, I also have to start learning how to live in the moment.  Because if I don't, I'm bound to drive myself crazy!

 

On a lighter note, even tho I haven't been at work for six days, I did get a lot of stuff done around the house!

 

On Tuesday afternoon, after Pat left, I felt the need to distract myself, so I made a duvet and pillow cases.  I didn't MEAN for it to look like a version of the Canadian Flag... I do love it tho!  It's nice and light, the duvet cover is the EXACT size of the duvet, so it doesn't skulk off to one side or the bottom in the middle of the night, which is great!  My sister was also kind enough to take the kitty blanket to her house and try and get it back to the way it looked when I first named it 'Fluffy Whitey'.  Let's just say that on the pure white part of the new duvet, it wasn't exactly pleasing to the eye!

 

 

On Friday (Canada Day!), my mom came over to my house to help me finish up the cabinet I've been talking about.  We did more than that tho!  We ended up spending about six hours cleaning the outside, which is referred to hereafter as 'The Bunker'.  I have a concrete outside area down to my basement suite that is a nice place to sit outside, have a few flowers and my bbq.  However, the not nice thing about it is that the landlords shake all their laundry into it before they hang it on the line, which makes it VERY dusty, it creates a sort of wind tunnel that sucks all the dried leaves and debris downstairs and to be honest, in the past while, I haven't felt like cleaning it.  but once we got the cabinet all spiffy, we tackled the rest of the bunker and it's now back to it's original glory!  The basil I showed you before isn't doing well and the dill is in a weird state of half deadness, but the rest of it looks nice, it's clean and I can sit outside again!